I Let Myself Want You

23 ● Yohan ● 30.12.2022

December 30th, 2022

Yohan, New York

Despite spending Christmas with the family, I didn't have the time to talk to dad at all, so he asked me to come see him today. He specifically asked that I should meet him alone, because he wanted to have a serious talk with me. I had to admit, I was a bit scared. I had no idea what he wanted to talk about, but I just figured it must have been work, since everyone has been pushing me to accept the new job.

I was a bit surprised when he didn't talk about work though. He wanted to talk about my private life, which I thought was even worse.

"Is everything okay with Samantha?" He asked right away, when we barely sat in the living room. It wasn't anything odd, he often asked about her, wanting to know if everything was fine between us, almost like he didn't want us to be okay.

"Yeah, it's fine," I nodded. "Joey is fine too, by the way. I mean, you saw them a few days ago, you saw that they're fine," I shrugged at that, because that was the truth, he saw them like two days ago. "And how's Jesper?" He asked then, which surprised me a little. Again, he saw Jesper on Christmas as well. "Fine, I guess? Why?" I asked, squinting at him.

"Look, Yohan-ah," he spoke softly, which surprised me quite a bit. He was usually quiet during conversations, but I've never heard his voice like that. So caring and loving. It was weird. "I wished you'd tell me about it one day, but I can see you're still scared, which means that I have to tell you, that I know. I know about everything, son," he said, smiling at me.

He knows? Knows what? I completely didn't understand what he was talking about. "I don't think I get it. What was I supposed to tell you? What am I scared of?" I asked, confused.

He sighed heavily, looking at me like I was an idiot."Your feelings for Jesper," he said. And wow. Wait. What? What? My feelings? Hold up. What the fuck, dad.

"M-my what? For Jesper? Are you crazy? What are you even-" I started, but he quickly cut me off.

"Don't bullshit me, Yohan-ah. I know everything. Don't even try to deny it. I've been observing the both of you for years, I figured it out myself," he admitted, giving me a stern look. And well, from all the things I haven't been expecting, that was at the top of the list. There's no way he knew. "Why do you think I pushed so hard about you working at Presbyterian?" He asked. Wait. What? No fucking way. "I wanted you to take my place, sure, of course that was the main reason. But it was Jesper as well. Roger told me the second he hired him, years ago. I knew he was working there, that's why I wanted you to be there as well. I wanted you to work together, so that you would finally meet."

"Are you serious?" I asked, still quite shocked. Was he actually fucking serious? It was his plan all along? That's why he was pushing for Presbyterian so much? "Wait. Work aside, because it's too much to process," I said, laughing a little. "You knew about Jesper and I? About our thing in high school?" I asked, just to be sure.

He nodded lightly at that. "Yes, that's what I'm trying to tell you. I knew about everything. And I don't mind it, Yohan-ah. I even talked to Jesper about it a few weeks ago, and-"

"Wait, stop," I cut him off. He what? "You talked to Jes about it? Why? Why would you do that? Did he actually tell you stuff about us?" I asked, quite confused.

"No," he denied right away. "I mean, we talked quite a bit, but he didn't tell me anything new. I already knew everything. What I'm trying to tell you, son, is that you're an idiot," he added. Well, isn't not like I didn't know that already. "Jesper is a great guy, you've been best friends for years. I get that you were scared, but you shouldn't have been. You should have talked to us sooner, Yohan-ah. Both me and your mom suspected that you liked him, and we truly didn't mind. Hell, we loved Jesper ourselves, we treated him like our own son. You should have told us about it. Maybe then things would have been different, maybe you two-"

"Yeah, maybe," I snorted, annoyed. "But it's too late now, dad. Sure, I was scared as hell, but I'm not anymore, because there's nothing to be scared of and there was nothing to tell. I should have told you in high school, sure. I didn't. Whatever. But why are you telling me this now? I have a family, dad. A wife, a kid. Doesn't matter how I feel about Jesper, because I can't do anything about it. Not anymore."

"Aren't you miserable though?" He asked, looking at me with a pained expression, almost like he could feel my own pain. Of course I was fucking miserable, I have been away from the person that I loved for years, of fucking course I was miserable, dad. But honestly, there was nothing I could do about it. "I can see that you are. And he is as well," he added. And well, I knew about that too. I knew damn well how devastated Jesper has been. "We both know you don't love Sam, Yohan-ah. And Jesper? He's been waiting for you all his life. Literally. Don't you want to make him happy? Make yourself happy?" He pressed. And of course he would be pushy about it, he hated Sam, and he loved Jesper.

"Dad, I don't want to fight with you," I admitted.

We didn't actually fight, but we did talk about this tonight quite a lot. I stayed late, we got ourselves a drink or two, and we talked for hours. I told him about my fears concerning being with Jesper in high school, about my insecurities, about how much I loved him. I told him everything there was to know about my relationship with Jesper, and he scolded me like hell for hurting my friend.

In the end, he basically told me to divorce Sam, which I thought was crazy, and obviously, I wasn't about to do it. I didn't want to give up on my family, certainly not because of my own selfishness. I may have been in love with another person, a guy at that, but I wasn't about to leave Sam and Joey, no matter how much my dad wanted me to, no matter how much I wanted to.