I Let Myself Want You

56 ● Yohan ● 4.01.2023

January 4th, 2023

Yohan, New York

I could undoubtedly say that my sister was the strongest person I've ever met. I'm pretty sure that I've cried more the past twenty years, than Jisoo did during her whole life. I rarely saw her cry to be honest. In fact, I don't even remember when was the last time.

She was a strong woman, a fierce soul, really confident and intelligent, she never made mistakes, and she was never the one to break down. Until today.

After dad's funeral mom asked me to come home with them, along with Sam and Joey. As much as I didn't want to see people at all, I didn't actually mind spending time with my family. I even needed it. That's why I agreed to come have dinner with mom and Jisoo.

And just when we were about to leave, I went upstairs to say goodbye to my sister, since she disappeared a while ago. When I finally found her - in her room, just like I thought - I saw something I never saw coming.

I guess it wasn't anything unusual, after all, our father just died and we did bury him today, but still, I never expected to see my sister cry. I haven't seen her even shed a tear during those past few days. Not one. And what I saw just now, truly made me worry. She wasn't just crying, she was literally choking on tears.

Something in me just broke when I saw her like that and I quickly ran up to her and sat next to her on the floor, and then embraced her tightly. She seemed a bit startled at first, but then I felt her grip my jacket tightly, and she started sobbing even more.

Seeing her like that, I couldn't stop my own tears from falling. She was my little sister, I never wanted her to cry, to get hurt, I wanted to protect her from all the bad things that were coming. Yet I couldn't protect her from this. Nobody could. It had to happen someday, everybody dies, right? But damn it, why did it have to be so soon? He will never see Jisoo achieve great things she was born to do. And I'm sure as hell he'd be proud of her.

It took a couple of minutes until she stopped crying, and when she did, she pulled away from me and wiped all the tears, like nothing happened. "I should have been there," she spoke all of a sudden. "I could have helped, I could have done something and-"

"You would have done nothing, Jisoo-ah," I said, shaking my head in disbelief. I know she thought she could have helped and I'm pretty sure she was confident enough to think that she would have helped, but I'm sure she wouldn't be able to. She would break down in that OR. No matter how strong she was, she wouldn't be able to handle it. "Jesper did everything he could, there was nothing that could have helped dad, okay? It just happened, Jisoo. Things like that happen. Nobody could have helped."

"I-I know that Jesper did everything, I just think-" She started talking nervously, and I already knew where she was going with this.

"That you would have made things better?" I snorted angrily. "Don't be like that, Jisoo. And don't ever say that to him. He's barely hanging on. He's the one who had to operate on dad, he's the one who watched him die, he's the one who had to fucking call his death! You know dad was like a father to him. He's struggling, just like we are. So don't say that you would have done a better job, because I'm pretty sure you wouldn't. He may have been shaken up, but he did everything that he could during that operation," I said sternly.

I could literally punch everyone who thought that Jesper killed dad. He didn't. Surgeons aren't fucking killers. We help as much as we can, it's not always up to us if the person lives or dies. Sometimes things just happen, and we don't have a say in this.

"I'm sorry, Yohan-ah," Jisoo suddenly said quietly. "I- I didn't think about it like that. I'm sorry. I don't blame him, seriously, I just- I'm so mad. I'm fucking furious. And I- I don't know how I'm going to handle that. The first day I was shocked, and then I was empty, and today... Today I don't think I can handle it," she admitted and looked up at me with glassy eyes.

"Hey, don't say that," I spoke, frowning at her. "You can handle it, okay? We both can. We have each other. I'm here for you, Jisoo. Don't forget that," I added, smiling at her, wanting to reassure her that she had me, that I wasn't going anywhere.

"You better not die before me, Yohan-ah," she said, chuckling a little, and then she came closer and hugged me tightly. "We all just lost dad, we can't lose you too. I can't do it without you, hyung."

Of course I would never want to leave her, I would never want her to go through something like that ever again, because all I wanted was to see her happy. But how was I supposed to promise her that everything would be fine? That I would always be by her side? She was the youngest from the family, after all. She's going to have to watch mom die, me as well, probably.

"Don't worry, I'll be with you for as long as I can," I decided on saying, because that's all I could think of right now. I couldn't exactly tell her that she shouldn't keep her hopes up, because I would definitely die before her.

And when I was hugging her back, drawing soothing circles on her back, I looked up and noticed my mom standing at the door to Jisoo's room, looking at us with glassy eyes, just like our own, so I motioned with my head for her to come closer, and I hugged her with my other arm. Fuck. I can't even imagine what mom was feeling right now. I don't even want to think about losing the one person I love most one day.

Thinking of it now, I figured I should probably pluck up the courage to tell him about my feelings someday, preferably soon. Who knows what may happen to us in the future.