I Let Myself Want You

29 ● Yohan ● 15.06.2004

June 15th, 2004

Yohan, New York

I was happy that it was finally graduation day and that I'd never have to go to that high school again. Especially since Sam decided to break up with me today, when I told her that I chose Harvard. It's not like it was a surprise, I've always told everyone that I wanted to go there, and it's not like I'd change my mind just for a girl. And she wanted to go to Harvard with me at some point, but she didn't get in. She got into Yale though and she said it's her last choice. It was great, Yale was a good school after all, but I wasn't about to follow her there, no way. I had my mind set on Harvard ever since I was little and nobody would convince me to change it.

I could see the confusion on Jesper's face when I told him that I already decided, probably because he was surprised we didn't talk it over. I didn't feel like we had to, I always said that I wanted Harvard, and he knew about it, he even said that he wanted to go there as well.

So when he asked me about emailing the school I didn't really care about it, because I already emailed them a few days ago, saying that I'll be a student of theirs this fall. I didn't want to tell Jesper before, because I didn't want him to make his decision because of me. Even though I knew he'd follow me anyway, I wanted to wait and see what he had to say, if he wanted to go somewhere on his own, if he was excited about some other school.

We decided not to talk about school though and we ended up in my bed. Every time we were alone, we took advantage of that, and I had to admit that I have been craving this kind of time with Jesper, since we haven't done this in a while. We were busy with exams and all that graduation shit for a while, so we haven't been seeing each other lately. Then there was Sam, who has been spending more time with me just because school was ending, so I truly haven't seen Jesper in a while.

And I was happy to finally have some time with him, I was happy that I could finally kiss him, and the fact that I didn't have a girlfriend anymore was even better. Every time I was with Jesper while I was in a relationship with Sam, I felt guilty as hell for doing it and I hated myself about it, but I just couldn't stop it. I didn't want to give up on Jesper for obvious reasons, he has been my everything for years. And Sam? Well, I actually really did like her, in a way. But most of all, she was an insurance. Thanks to her, people didn't question me, my sexuality, which I've been worrying about for some time now.

Especially this past year, while Jesper and I were doing this thing. And fucking hell, it got me thinking. Sometimes it got to the point that I haven't been sleeping for a few days, because I've been thinking so much about this. I may have been dumb and blind sometimes, but I noticed a long time ago, that Jesper liked me as more than a friend. That's why I decided to start this thing with him in the first place. That's why I kissed him that very first time during Christmas. I knew he liked me. And I was curious about it as hell. I was curious to know if I'd feel anything for him as well.

We've been friends for many, many years now, and to be honest, I've never thought about us this way. But I started noticing some things ever since we went to high school, and that one Christmas time, I just wanted to test a theory. I wanted to see if my suspicions were correct, and I was right. He was truly into me. That's why I knew he'd accept my offer about experimenting.

And that's how we ended up here. End of high school, together in my bed yet again, simply because we were both curious. I was eager to find out if I felt something for him, and he was probably curious about my feelings as well. I was sure that he agreed on it not only because he was in love with me, but also because he thought it would make me feel something as well.

That's why I wasn't exactly surprised when I heard him speak while we were having sex. "I love you," he said the first time in a quiet voice. "I love you. I love you. I love you," he said again in one breath, a little louder. And fuck, of course I wasn't surprised. I knew about it, I knew that he loved me. I just never would have thought that he'd actually admit to it. I was sure that we would never talk about it, but apparently I was wrong.

So what was I supposed to do? Of course the only reasonable thing to do, would be to start acting like a dick. Because what other choice did I have? It's not like we could actually get together, because our parents would probably kill us. We'd be looked down on, people would hate us, we'd never be able to get a good job if people knew we were gay, nobody would want to hire us. They wouldn't even look at our qualifications. And what about school? If we'd go to Harvard together and people would see that we were together, we would have gone through hell. It would have been worse than any bullying in high school that Jesper got.

"What the fuck, Jesper?!" I exclaimed at him angrily after thinking it over. It didn't matter how much I didn't want to reject him, didn't want to hurt him. I had to do it. I knew that staying together would hurt him more, that it would hurt the both of us for the long haul. We could have each other, sure. But that's about it. What about our futures? We would have none. Simply because of this, because we were different. And I didn't want us to fail right from the start, we were too smart to be treated like trash. We were supposed to become high class surgeons, just like my dad, that has always been our dream.

So, did I sacrifice our relationship for our dream? Hell yes I did. Did I regret it? Of fucking course. But would I do it again? Probably. Because I would rather have Jesper hating me for rejecting him, than hating me and resenting me in a few years, because I ruined his future in medicine.

I was scared that it would end our friendship, that I'd never see him again, but I was optimistic enough to think that we will see each other soon. Because I loved him. And even though I was ready to let him go today, I knew damn well that if I ever saw him again, I would hold onto him forever.