I Let Myself Want You

10 ● Jesper ● 2.08.2012

August 2nd, 2012

Jesper, Baltimore

I don't think I've ever felt worse in my entire life. It definitely has been a long and tiring day, especially after I had to go to the hospital for a checkup, after what happened with Jay earlier. I was numb. I was honestly so fucking numb, I couldn't feel anything. I may have been angry hours ago, sad, hopeless, whatever. Right now I was so broken, I was simply fucking numb.

I knew he was a fucking psychopath, but I never would have thought that he'd go this far. I've taken all of that beating, I was ready to move on, forget about him, I was finally somehow strong enough to leave him, and then this happened.

Was I really so bad? Do people seriously have to hurt me all the time? I can't even remember one good memory with Jay to be honest, because it seems like our relationship has been shit for years, it's like our whole life together was a lie.

I wished I was good enough for him. To be honest I never considered us a great couple, I didn't care about him that much, but well, we were together for like four years, it was a huge amount of time, I thought we would survive more. And I guess we could have, if he wasn't so fucking possessive and obsessed and creepy.

But that was just my luck, I either got a perfect guy who didn't want me, or a complete psychopath who wanted me too much. What did I do to deserve this anyway? What the fuck have I done, huh? I've always been a good person, I was a great student, I would have never hurt anyone, seriously. So why do I have to get hurt all the time, huh? Fucking hell, life was so unfair.

So I guess I was truly at my worst right now. I considered the numbness the worst thing ever. I think I'd love to feel hurt, I'd love to cry, scream, fall apart, show how angry I should be at the whole situation, but I wasn't.

I didn't feel anything, that was my fucking problem. The only thing I felt I guess, was that I was grateful, simply for aunt Cecily who barged into my apartment with cops and a restraining order.

And thank fuck for her, because I'm pretty sure the bastard would have killed me at some point. He was rough, he was ruthless, he was awful, disgusting, crazy, I don't even know how else to describe him. And honestly, as weird as he has been for all those years, I never would have expected him to rape me, although I guess I should have, right? He was dangerous, I should have known something like this could happen.

But I didn't. I didn't think. And I didn't understand why. I wasn't an idiot after all, I was a smart guy, I should have seen this coming. I should have ran a long time ago, I should have ran out of that fucking grocery store when I was ready to fight him for my noodles. Fucking hell, what an idiot I was. Damn it, Jesper, damn you.

It's not like I actually needed Jay in my life. I didn't. I was too busy to maintain a relationship. I guess I just didn't want to let go for some reason? Didn't want to lose him? Just like I lost someone before?

Shit. Of course that was it. Shit, Jesper, you fucking idiot. I didn't want to let go of the guy, it would have felt like leaving Yohan all over again, especially since the guy looked a little like him. I didn't want to relive it. Of course that was it. I fucking knew that. And thanks to that fucking mentality, I stayed with a psychopath who beat the shit out of me almost every day, who decided to fucking rape me.

I can't believe how truly stupid I was. I totally want to forget ever considering myself smart, I'm the biggest idiot. I'm the most desperate fucking idiot in the entire world. How could I be so stupid? I was letting the guy beat me, just because he reminded me of the person I loved the most. I was fucking sick.

It made me wonder if I'd act like that if Yohan ever- No. No Jesper, stop. He'd never. No way. He may have hurt me, but he'd never do what Jay did. I knew Yohan, he was a good person. And Jay, well, Jay was something else entirely. From the very first day I met him, I could sense there was something off with the guy, but I guess I just chose to ignore it, because I finally found someone who was interested in me, I found a friend, I found a freaking replacement for him.

And what did that get me? Just pain, a lot of pain over the years, a lot of tears and bruises. And well, this void, right now. I figured I must have been in shock, that's why I wasn't really feeling anything. It must have been that, right?

So with that whole numbness and indifference, I drove to New York in the evening, just me, my car, and Linkin Park, and 'Numb' in the radio on repeat, because it was fitting. And what I hated even more than that feeling, was that it made me hate my favorite song in the world. Fucking Jay. Damn you, you son of a bitch.