February 4th, 2011
Yohan, New York
This Christmas, my parents got me tickets for a Linkin Park concert. I honestly loved my parents for being so thoughtful, and I couldn't be happier about the gift. Normally I'd take Jesper for a Linkin Park concert, no questions asked. Normally. But things weren't normal. I haven't seen him in almost seven years, or something like that. And that's why I needed to take someone else.
I asked Jisoo about it, but she was busy with exams at this time of the year, so she had to decline. The only other person I could take was my new friend - Malcolm. Well, he wasn't exactly new, we've known each other basically since the beginning of med school, and thankfully he was also a Linkin Park fan, which I really appreciated.
Since the concert was in New York, we flew in from Boston this morning. I wanted my parents to meet the only true friend I made in college, but unfortunately they went skiing for their own little winter break mom planned, so it left just me and Malcolm in the house for the weekend, since we were supposed to stay until Sunday.
It was actually my second ever Linkin Park concert. The first one I went to was four years ago, also in New York, and I went to that one with Jisoo, which is why I was so sad that she couldn't make it to this one.
I didn't complain about Malcolm though. I've been kind of lonely ever since I broke things off with Jesper, and finding Malcolm in med school was truly a blessing, because I seriously needed a friend. And Malcolm was amazing - smart, accepting, supporting, funny, witty. He was great company and I was glad to have a close friend that I wasn't into, who also wasn't into me. It was pure friendship, and I loved it.
When we finally got to the venue, I was glad how close to the stage we were, because I could clearly see guys walking around the stage, and the atmosphere so close to the band was phenomenal. The concert itself was fantastic, and I literally lost my voice halfway through it, because I was singing and shouting so much.
When 'Iridescent' started playing, I could barely manage to speak, so I just swayed to the music at the beginning, hoping that being silent for a minute would give me my voice back. And just when I was swaying, looking around the place, around the crowd, my heart fucking stopped. It stopped, because I saw the one person I never would have thought I would see. It was Jesper.
He was a few rows before me, literally by the stage. I don't know how I haven't noticed him before, but I noticed him now. He was here, he was definitely fucking here, and I felt the urge to document it, to make sure that it was real, that I wasn't dreaming. I was holding my phone anyway, waving the flashlight, so I decided to record the rest of the song, pointing the camera at him, so that I could watch it back later, and make sure that I wasn't fucking dreaming.
Even though it's been years, I recognized him. He looked pretty much the same, expect for the fact that he grew up a little. He didn't look like a baby anymore, he was a grownup.
I felt the urge to go to him, to come closer, say hello, ask him how he's been, what was happening in his life, I wanted to know everything. I wanted to go there and hug him like I haven't seen him in years, like I've been waiting for him to show up. I wanted to go and tell him how much I've missed him and how miserable I was without him and how much I needed him in my life and how much I still loved him and that I didn't want to let go of him, of us. But I didn't. And why didn't I? Because I was a fucking coward. I've been a coward back in high school, and I was still the same now.
The song was coming to an end now, everybody had their hands up, the crowd was swaying to the music, and everybody was shouting the words of the song.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go.
Let it go. Let it go. Let it go, Yohan. Let him go. I wish it was that simple. I couldn't. I didn't want to. Though I knew I had to, I needed to do that someday, but I didn't want to, I fucking couldn't. I saw him today, so what? I was too scared to actually go talk to him. I had to let go. I had to forget about him. Even though I knew it would be hard and I wouldn't be able to do it, I had to try.
Let it go, Yohan. Let it go. Or try, at least.
YOU ARE READING
I Let Myself Want You
RomanceJesper has been in love with Yohan ever since they were kids, and when the latter kissed him out of the blue in high school, things between them drastically changed. Yohan proposed him a pact, in which they started seeing each other in secret, while...
