I Let Myself Want You

6 ● Yohan ● 21.07.2017

July 21st, 2017

Yohan, New York

I was at work when I found out about Chester. Devastating news, truly. I had a short break, so I decided to go to an empty on-call room to cry a little in peace. I just couldn't believe it, it seemed so surreal. What I thought about first was how lucky I was that I managed to see them three times live, before this happened.

The day was already shitty enough. Two of my patients died, my boss was on edge for some reason, so he's been yelling at me and the rest of the team the whole day and I already had enough, I was so tired, all I wanted to do was go home.

Unfortunately, I was still just a resident and I had definitely too many hours at the hospital. I kind of hated it sometimes, mostly because Samantha has been basically raising our son on her own, since I spent so many hours at work. I loved Joey, he was a great kid, but I wished I could spend more time with him.

Despite of not seeing my son too much, I couldn't complain. I loved working as a surgeon, truly, it was something that I genuinely liked doing. Sometimes I wondered what would have happened if Jesper and I went to college together. Would we work side by side? Would we still be friends?

I thought about him a lot. It's been many, many years since we last saw each other and I missed him every single fucking day. We've been best friends basically our whole lives, it was hard to adjust to not having him in my life. I don't think I've gotten used to it yet, it was quite hard.

The good thing was that work sometimes took my mind off of things, off of him. I liked getting lost at work, I loved the feelings where I was so consumed in a surgery I didn't even know what day it was. I was always focused at work, but I liked not thinking about my personal life. Today though, because of this thing with Chester, all I could think about was Jesper. I wanted to know how he was doing with the news.

Was he as sad as I was? Disappointed? Broken? Did he care as much? Or maybe he didn't. What if he didn't? Was he even still a fan of the band? Damn it, I wanted to know. I wanted to know something about him so much, I wanted to see him, talk to him, get to know how life has been treating him all those years. Where did he go to college? Was he even a doctor? Or maybe he gave up on that?

I pulled my phone out of my scrubs and clicked on the contacts. I still had his number. I never tried calling him though, because for all I know he could have changed the number. What if he didn't though? I was curious. I'd call him, I'd love to call him so much, but I was too scared to do so.

What would I even say if I called him after all those years? I hurt him. He hated me. He probably already forgot about me, he was probably better off without me, he probably had someone important in his life. What if he wouldn't even know who I was?

Before I could turn my phone off, it lit up with an incoming phone call. Jesper. It was him. His name was on the screen. Was he seriously calling me? There was no way, no fucking way. But what if it was actually him? What if he called to check up on me? What if he found out about Chester? Maybe that's why he was calling? Maybe he wanted to talk?

I didn't get to answer though. The call ended. Shit. Shit. Shit. I should have answered. What if it was truly Jesper? I would have loved to hear his voice. Damn it, I wanted to talk to him so bad.

I was about to give up on any hope, when I heard an incoming text. Could it be him? I quickly unlocked my phone and checked the inbox. 'I don't think I can listen to Leave Out All The Rest without crying anymore.'

I snorted lightly at that, a little amused. So it was him. It must have been him. He knew about Chester and he wanted to call me to find out if I was okay. Fuck. I should have answered. Well, it was too late already. It's not like he'd call again and it's not like I'd call him by myself, I was too scared.

All I wanted to do was cry to be honest, so seeing that I still had a few minutes of my break, I played 'Leave Out All The Rest', closed my eyes and started sobbing, bawling my eyes out like a baby, regretting that I'll probably never see Jesper again, and that I'll definitely never see Chester again.