I Let Myself Want You

27 ● Jesper ● 14.02.2009

February 14th, 2009

Jesper, Baltimore

Every single Valentine's Day I was literally miserable. I hated the day. It only reminded me about the fact that I would never have the one person I wanted most. That someone else was spending Valentine's Day with him, and that I'd never get to spend this day with Yohan.

I didn't even know if he was in a relationship or not, but he was Yohan after all, I was sure he must have had a date tonight. He was probably having dinner with a beautiful girl, maybe even a girlfriend of many years. Or maybe he was even married?

I didn't want to guess and I didn't want to ask anybody about it. That was my one rule after I left for Baltimore, not asking people about Yohan. I didn't want to know what was happening in his life, because I was sure that literally knowing anything would hurt me like hell.

For some reason, Valentine's Day hurt the most. To be honest those kind of days simply hurt a lot. Christmas, birthdays and all that. I hated not sharing those kinds of days with him, honestly. I wished we were still at least friends, I wished he was in my life.

Unfortunately, I could only wish. I knew I'd probably never see him again. That's why I kind of got myself a boyfriend. Jay was an impulse and it was completely unexpected, but I was drawn to him immediately when I saw him, because he reminded me of Yohan. It was weird and sick, I was sick, but I didn't care about it. He was supposed to fill the void in my life.

It wasn't working though. Especially not today. It was supposed to be our first Valentine's Day together, but I told Jay that I wouldn't be able to celebrate this year. I told him I had a big exam soon, and that I was sick, and that my grandma died, when in fact, none of this was true.

I lied about going back to New York for the funeral, I lied about the exam and about being sick. I stayed in Baltimore and I wasn't sick at all, and I honestly didn't have an exam anytime soon. I just didn't want to see him today, didn't want to celebrate the day that's been simply hurting me.

Besides, Valentine's Day should be about love or whatever, right? And I didn't love Jay. I never could. I loved Yohan. I still loved my best friend. That's why I decided to spend the day alone. Just me, thoughts of Yohan and Linkin Park playing in the apartment. 'Valentine's Day' on repeat of course, because I liked to cry to this song on this day. And I didn't need anything else. I had myself, I had my music, and I had my memories of Yohan. Obviously it would have been better if I had him here, but oh well, I knew that would never happen, that's why I spent the whole day crying, and I even cried myself to sleep at the end of the night.