I Let Myself Want You

20 ● Yohan ● 31.12.2003

December 31st, 2003

Yohan, New York

I really wanted to throw a party tonight, but I had some disagreements with my parents. They had their own plans, but they were mostly worried about Jisoo, because they couldn't take her with them, and my mom was anxious about leaving a thirteen year old in the house while it would be full of my drunk friends. Eventually it all turned out all right, because my sister decided to go spend the night with some friends of her own.

That gave me the green light to throw a party tonight, so I decided to invite some of my friends and friends of those friends, so in the end, quite a lot of people were invited.

Since it was our senior year and we only had a few months left of high school, I just wanted to take the opportunity and throw a really big party to see all my friends.

The only thing I felt bad about, was that my very best friend in the world, Jesper, didn't really like people from our school, he basically just didn't like people in general, so he wasn't really happy about coming to the party, but after I asked him about it like a hundred times, he decided to come.

But even though I knew he was here, I haven't seen him the whole night, not even once. Sure, there were a lot of people here, and the house was quite big, but I've been looking for him literally ever since the party started, and I couldn't find him. It had gotten to the point that it was already after eleven, and I still haven't seen him. I spent most of the night with Sam, so I felt a little guilty about inviting Jesper and not talking to him at all, so I decided to text him, because I was starting to think that he may have left already, because I seriously couldn't find him anywhere.

He texted me that he was on the roof, which I should have figured out I guess. The access to the roof was quite difficult, but Jesper and I usually spent a lot of time there, so I should have guessed that he'd be there. I didn't bother telling anybody where I was going, I knew that no one would find me anyway, because nobody knew that there was even an access to the roof, so I grabbed a coat on my way upstairs and headed outside.

My mom had a small garden up there, but it was mostly empty in the winter. There was some chairs and a table, because we sometimes did parties in the summer there. I noticed that the fairy lights all around the roof were on, so I figured that Jesper must have lit them. I saw him standing by the edge of the roof, looking out to the city. "Is the party really so boring?" I asked, coming closer.

"You know that I only came here because of you, I don't feel like spending time with people I don't know or don't like," he said, giving me an annoyed look. I knew damn well that he didn't like any of those people and I felt kind of bad about it. "Anyway, it's midnight soon, shouldn't you find your girlfriend?" He asked.

I shrugged, coming even closer. "I was with her all night. I've been looking for you for hours and I finally found you, so she doesn't get a say in this," I spoke. I knew that sometimes I shouldn't have said some things to him, especially since I had a girlfriend, but I couldn't help myself. "So, what's wrong?" I asked, because there was clearly something bothering him, since he looked sad.

"I don't know," he said quietly, shrugging. "I guess I sometimes just envy you, Yohan-ah. You have so many friends, you're so likeable. And me? I'm a loner, people don't like me, they think I'm a weirdo and-"

"Hey, stop," I cut him off, standing right in front of Jesper, making him look at me. "You're not a weirdo, Jes, you're the most normal person I know. And I like you. Isn't that enough?" I said, giving him a hopeful look. I wanted to be enough for him. I knew that Jesper always had a hard time with making friends, and I wanted to be the one person who would be everything to him.

He looked up at me a little concerned, but his expression quickly changed to a soft one. "You're more than enough, Yohan," he admitted, smiling at me, which made me feel warm all over, even though it was freezing outside. "You're all I need, honestly. I just wish that- That I was enough. I wish I was enough, so that you wouldn't have to be friends with those idiots, and Sam- Just. I-"

I didn't want him to finish. I knew he was jealous about Sam, or those so called friends of mine. And to be honest, I don't even know why I was spending time with those people, because Jesper was enough. I just knew that as much as I liked him, nothing good would ever come out of it. It's not like I could be with him like I was with Sam, because people would never accept that.

Eventually when I noticed the fireworks going off, I didn't even think twice about it, I just lunged forward, cupped his face and kissed him with all that I had. I kissed him like he mattered the most to me, which was true. I wanted to show him how much he meant to me, without actually saying it out loud. We kissed for what felt like hours, and when we pulled away, I could see that Jesper was a bit confused. "I only care about you, Jes," I admitted. "You've always been the most important to me."

And he truly was, and I knew it sounded weird, because I had a girlfriend and she should be the most important person for me, but that wasn't the case. I didn't know Sam that long. But Jesper? I knew him my whole life and I knew everything about him. The worst thing was just that I have already fallen for him, when I knew I shouldn't. I also knew that Jesper has been in love with me for some time now, and that's why I knew that our time was coming to an end. After all, it's not like we could be together. Eventually, we would have to separate, because there was no way we could just remain friends, with all those feelings we had for each other.