I Let Myself Want You

57 ● Yohan ● 23.06.2023

June 23rd, 2023

Yohan, New York

I obviously had to forget about something when it comes to informing people - I forgot to tell Sam. It's not like she was actually an important part of my life right now, but still, she was the mother of my son, and well, Joey had to know about it too.

Jesper and I actually left the city for a few days, so the only thing I could do was call her, so I did, yesterday. She was angry as hell and she cried for half an hour and she told me that I'm the worst. Then when I told her about the wedding she said that I'm an idiot and that I wasn't supposed to hurt Jesper even more. Well, whatever, I knew I was the worst, she didn't have to remind me about it. Then I asked her to talk to Joey, but she said that it wasn't a good idea, she said she didn't want to worry him.

In the end, she asked me to call after the surgery is done, that she's hoping for the best and that she wishes me luck with Jesper. And that was it. To be honest, the whole conversation was weird. We were married a few months ago, and now we were basically strangers. Hell, I called her a day before my wedding and a surgery that would decide about my life, and I told her all about it over the phone. It only showed how much we actually stopped caring about each other, which was a little sad.

But I was done being sad for the day. It was our last day before the wedding and the last day we got to spend at the beach. We left the city as soon as Malcolm promised to take care of the wedding, and we were supposed to go back late at night tonight.

I wanted us to get away for those last few days, just to make sure that we would have that time for ourselves. As much as I loved my family, I simply wanted to spend those last few days with Jesper.

To be honest, I wasn't so sure about the surgery. I knew that Malcolm wouldn't mess up, that's why I brought him to New York, because he's a perfectionist, because he rarely makes mistakes, because he's focused and precise, but still, I was worried as fuck.

The way I was feeling lately wasn't helping at all. The headaches came quite often, and I was seriously thinking about wearing glasses after the surgery, because for some reason, my sight was getting worse and worse. I was tired, I was dizzy sometimes, and it only made me worry more and more about the surgery.

In the end, I actually realized that it was a good idea and I regretted that I didn't let Malcolm operate sooner. Because if I already started feeling like shit, I don't know what I would have done in a week, or in a month. Probably nothing, I guess. I'd be dead. I reckon. That's why I think the surgery is actually much needed and I can't wait for it to happen. I've used my good days as much as I could, I can go lie on the table now and hope that Malcolm doesn't kill me.

"I would really like to stay here forever." I was suddenly pulled out from my thoughts by Jesper's voice. The sun was almost setting and we were on the beach, waiting for the sunset, wanting to see it before we went back to the city. We were standing by the water now, our game of cards and drinks on the blanket long forgotten. We simply stood there and listened to the music that was playing out of Jesper's phone, that was laying somewhere in the sand, probably. "Why haven't we done something like that before? Gone on holiday? Why can't we- Shit. Why can't we have more time together, huh? Why has the time ran out?" He asked, turning to look at me.

I hated it too, the lack of time. Most of all, I hated the fact that we wasted so many years because of me, because I was an idiot, a fucking coward. "Nothing ran out. We'll have more time after the surgery," I spoke, but I could see that he felt the uncertainty in my voice, because he frowned at me, and then turned away.