5 ● Jesper ● 2.07.2008

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July 2nd, 2008

Jesper, Baltimore



Living in Baltimore for the past few years has been a weird experience. For one, I was incredibly lonely here. Not that I had many people back in New York, but at least I had my mom there, and well, Yohan and his family. But here? I've been living in Baltimore for four years now, and I didn't make any friends.

I didn't count people I attended classes with, because I never talked to them too much, they mostly wanted to get notes out of me, but I refused most of the time. I didn't come here to do the work for other people after all, I came here for myself.

That's why I spent most of my days in the library. I was bored, I was lonely, so I studied. A lot. I was at the end of grad school at this point in my life, so I practically lived in that fucking library. The lady by the reception considered giving me a key, because every single day, I was here before she could even open the place.

While I waited for her outside the door, I always listened to music, because that was the only time I could, since I couldn't focus while I was listening to music when I was studying. I was obsessed with Minutes To Midnight since it came out last year, and I wished I could have talked to Yohan about it, because the album was a masterpiece, though I don't think anything would top Meteora.

I remember listening to 'Valentine's Day' on fucking Valentine's Day this year, and crying myself to sleep. It's not like we ever celebrated that day, we were never a couple or anything, but I just get twice as depressed on February fourteenth, because I see all of those people in love and I simply cry, because I know I can never have it, because the only person I've ever loved was gone from my life.

And here I was today, just a typical Wednesday, waiting for the library lady to open the fucking library, and when I heard the first note of 'Valentine's Day', I took off my earphones in irritation.

As usual, I spent the whole day here. I always came prepared, I brought my laptop, I brought food, I brought water, it was my second home after all. And when I left the library at night, it was almost midnight, and I was oddly hungry, so I decided to stop by the grocery store for food, since I knew I had none at home.

I was already quite tired and really, really hungry, so when I saw someone taking the last pack of my favorite cup noodles, I was ready to fight the person with my bare hands. "Sorry, do you have to take that?" I asked, knowing damn well how rude it sounded. I didn't mind being rude, I've been bitter for about four years now.

The guy turned to look at me, and oh, I didn't expect the stranger to be so good looking. I'd even say that he was a solid seven, though nobody compared to Yohan, he was a ten, without question. Maybe that's why the stranger was a solid seven, because he reminded me of Yohan a little. He was also Korean and had a ball of brown hair, just like him, brown eyes, just like him, he was quite tall and lanky, just like him. He reminded me of him a lot, though he was obviously no Yohan.

And yet, I was immediately drawn to him, because I thought that maybe he could fill the void that Yohan left. Ah, fuck. I was so pathetic. Wasn't it a bit rude? Wanting to get to know the guy just because he looked like him? Was I losing my damn mind at the age of twenty two?

"Well, I don't mind giving it to you, if that's what you're asking," the stranger spoke, not looking at me like I was crazy. Why? Anyone would have. Maybe the guy was nuts himself. It wouldn't hurt to find out. "I'm Jay, by the way," he introduced himself. Jay? Seriously? Oh God.

In spite of my dislike to the name, I smiled at him politely. "Jesper," I said, taking the cup noodles from him and putting it in my cart. I definitely needed more food, but I stopped thinking about it all of a sudden, when Jay asked if I wanted to come eat the noodles at his place. It obviously had a different meaning, but I agreed. Why the hell not.

And that's how I spent the rest of the night, being fucked into the mattress by a guy named Jay, who for a second made me feel like I was with him. And as sick as it may have been, I whispered his name to myself, when the guy was fucking me.

Feeling bad because of it, before I left, I asked Jay if he wanted to go on a date with me. The guy immediately agreed, saying that he liked me and he'd like to see me again, and again, and again. It sounded weird, I didn't like how eager he was, after all, we just met, but I didn't question it. He reminded me of him, and maybe he'd help me heal somehow, hopefully.

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