I Let Myself Want You

33 ● Yohan ● 1.04.2023

April 1st, 2023

Yohan, New York

I thought it was a bit funny that we finalized our divorce on my birthday, though I was surprised it happened so soon. I know that Sam wasn't really keen on us breaking up, but I myself couldn't wait. She already knew damn well that I've been seeing Jesper lately, and in the end she agreed to the divorce, when she noticed how happy I was, because apparently, I was never this happy with her.

We decided on staying friends. I didn't want to fight with her, I didn't want Joey to have a bad life because of us. I also agreed on moving out. I knew Sam loved this house and I knew she'd have a hard time parting with it, as well as Joey, so I kind of volunteered to move out. And it's not like it was a problem for me, because I already had an apartment waiting for me.

Jesper offered me to move in with him, and I didn't hate the idea, so I agreed. I didn't feel like living by myself, especially since I was at the hospital most of the time, so I was happy that we would at least have some time for ourselves at home.

When it came to Jesper, things were going great. Better than great even, I'd say. We were moving pretty fast with our new relationship, but we both kind of wanted it. After all, we've been waiting years for it.

"The moving company is going to come on Monday," I told Sam, when I was packing the most important things to leave today. Jesper and I already made plans for my birthday, and before that we were supposed to go to my mom's, so I decided to move out today. "They should be here around noon, so just let them in," I added, looking around our bedroom. Her bedroom.

"You sure you don't want to stay until Monday?" Sam asked desperately. I knew she was still bitter about everything, I knew she didn't want to let me go, but then again, she didn't exactly want to stay with a man that didn't love her. "It's your birthday after all. I'm sure Joey would like to spend the day with you. I would like that too," she admitted, and looked at me with hopeful eyes, which didn't work on me at all.

"Sorry Sam, but I already made plans," I answered, shrugging helplessly. It was just a bit weird, this tension between us. And it's not like I actually wanted to spend time with her. I really didn't. We were fucking divorcing for a reason.

"I really hope you'll be happy with him," she suddenly said, which surprised me a little. I was leaving her for a man, and she had the heart to be nice and wish me happiness? "I know how long you've been waiting for this, Yohan, you don't have to lie about it. I know you never wanted to be with me, you've always wanted him. You probably wish I never came to visit you in college, that way we wouldn't-"

"Wait, Sam," I stopped her, knowing where she was going with this. "Well, it happened. But it's not like I regret it, okay? I have to admit that I never planned on marrying you, but I don't regret having Joey. Don't even think like that. He's still our son, I still love him."

"Okay, if you say so," she shrugged, like she didn't believe me. And why would she? I was leaving after all, leaving the both of them.

"I did love you, Sam," I admitted, wanting to make her feel better. "Probably not the way you wanted me to, but I did love you. And you will always be dear to my heart. You'll always be Joey's mother," I said, smiling at her warmly.

She smiled back. "Treat him better this time, Yohan," she said with a serious voice. "Don't you fucking dare let him go and treat him how he deserved to be treated in the first place." And I didn't even hesitate, when I promised her that I would.