I Let Myself Want You

45 ● Malcolm ● 19.06.2023

June 19th, 2023

Malcolm, New York

In spite of Yohan begging me not to tell anyone about his tumor for weeks, I decided to break my promise and finally tell someone, because it has kind of gotten out of control. I was worried about him like hell and I really wanted him to agree on the surgery, but he was a stubborn bastard and I knew he wouldn't agree on it unless someone would force him to do it. Someone other than me.

I didn't want to be that big of a dick, so I decided to tell Jisoo instead of Jesper and just when I came into the cardiac ward, I saw someone who looked like Jisoo, but definitely didn't have her hair.

"You dyed your hair back to black," I noticed, looking closely at her. I've always liked her black hair better and I wondered why she decided to dye it blonde. She still looked great in blonde, but it didn't suit her as much as black hair. "Did you do that because I told you I preferred your black hair?" I asked curiously after thinking about it, because I remembered that I told her something like that a few days ago.

"Fuck off Malcolm," Jisoo said, frowning at me. "Is there an actual reason why you're here, or did you just come to annoy me?" She asked.

Right. Warm and fuzzy as always. I didn't really want to wait with it, so I asked her to go somewhere quiet with me, and even though she gave me a weird look, she followed me to the stairwell. "Look, Jisoo, I need to tell you something," I started, looking at her with a serious face. "But I need you to promise that you won't tell anyone, especially Yohan. Okay? You need to promise me that."

It looked like I actually got her attention with that and she nodded lightly. "Sure, I won't," she nodded. "But what is it? What is so important that I can't tell Yohan about it?" She asked.

I took a deep breath, trying to prepare myself for her reaction and decided to speak. "Because it's about Yohan," I explained. "He has a brain tumor that has gotten so bad, that I'm worried it can cause serious damage, and he won't let me operate on it. It can kill him, Jisoo, and he doesn't want to do anything with it," I said with frustration, and after I said that, I noticed that she was looking at me blankly.

"You think this is funny?" She said, giving me an irritated look. "It's not fucking funny Malcolm, you don't joke about stuff like that, and-"

"I'm not kidding, Jisoo," I said sternly, looking into her eyes, wanting her to take me seriously. "He's fucking dying and I don't know if there's anything I can do to keep his bloody ass alive!" That seemed to shut her up and she just stared at me with shock, like it was only starting to hit her now. She suddenly paled and frowned deeply. She stared at me with empty eyes and it looked like she didn't know what to say to that ."I know it's a lot to take in, but I need you to focus," I spoke, grabbing her by the shoulders and shaking her a little. "We were trying radiation, but it didn't work at all, it actually made things worse," I started explaining everything, wanting to present her all the facts. "We did a whole month of radiation and the tumor started growing because of it. I've only seen something like that once in my life and it didn't look pretty at all, Jisoo. The patient died quite soon after the tumor started growing. That's why I'm so worried about Yohan, that's why I decided to finally tell you about it. We stopped the radiation and it seems like the tumor stopped growing, but it's a weird and unpredictable bastard and I'm afraid it's going to grow more and more and it's going to bloody explode. I'm worried it's going to kill him and that will be the end of that. And I want to cut that bloody thing out of his brain, but he won't let me do that! He says he's afraid, that he'll lose his sight and he will never operate again, but for fuck's sake, fuck that right now! What's more important, his work, or his fucking life?! I need you, Jisoo. I need you to focus and be strong and talk to him about it, convince him to do the bloody surgery as soon as possible, right the fuck now, because if he won't, then he'll be dead in a month."

While I poured out my frustration at her, I didn't even notice that she started crying silently. It wasn't even a real cry, just tears falling through her eyes. It looked like it seriously hit her, that she finally understood what was happening. All I wanted to do while looking at her, was to hug her tightly and say that everything was going to be okay, but I knew it wasn't the best option, because I don't think things are going to be fine, actually. Not until Yohan listens to someone. That's why I needed Jisoo to be strong about it, because I needed her to talk to Yohan, convince him to do that fucking surgery.

And just when I wanted to say something, ask her if she was okay, I felt my pager. I looked at it and noticed it was a 911 call, and a few seconds after that, I heard the door to the stairwell open and I noticed one of the surgical nurses running my way. "Doctor Reed, you're needed in OR3, you need to come quickly because we have a patient with an open brain on the table and the main surgeon couldn't proceed with the surgery," she spoke.

What the hell? "Who was the main surgeon?" I asked a little surprised. Who would normally simply abandon a surgery in the middle of it?

"It was the chief," she said, looking at me with a weak smile and my eyes immediately widened at that. Why the hell would he even operate? He wasn't supposed to do that! "He stopped halfway through the surgery and said that he can't see anything, and then he asked to page you, doctor Reed," the nurse added.

What? He couldn't bloody see? What the hell? Shit. Shitshitshit. This couldn't be happening. Not yet. Not this soon. Damn it! "I'll be in the OR in a minute, so prepare everything that is needed. And what happened with doctor Lee? Where is he now?" I asked with worry.

"I believe he's in his office now, he went to take a nap," the nurse said, and then left. I needed to go after her and go finish that surgery, but first, I needed to calm Jisoo down.

"Hey," I spoke to her, standing right in front of her, looking into her eyes. "He went to sleep, so everything must be fine, okay? I'll go finish that surgery as soon as possible and then I'll go check on him, okay? Please, please, don't go to him. I don't want to stress him after what happened during that surgery, so please, Jisoo, don't go to him just yet. I'll go first, after the surgery. The nurse said he's napping, let him nap, maybe he'll be fine after, okay? Don't do anything stupid, just- Calm down and go back to work or- O-or go to sleep as well, I don't know. Just- Don't go to him. Okay?"

She looked up at me with worried eyes and it looked like it took her some time to understand what I was saying, but she nodded firmly after a minute, and then I run to the OR like my own life depended on it.