I Let Myself Want You

22 ● Yohan ● 4.01.2023

January 4th, 2023

Yohan, New York

It was Joey's birthday yesterday and I hated the fact that we couldn't celebrate it. I had to tell him that we needed to cancel his birthday party, because his grandfather's funeral was the next day. It honestly sucked. I didn't even care about his birthday though, didn't think too much of it, because all I could think about was my dad, who was gone, and that I'd never see him again.

The funeral was today, just three days after he died, and I hated it, because I couldn't bring myself to stop crying for more than two minutes, let alone two hours. I didn't want to go, didn't want to say goodbye to him, I wasn't ready to let him go just yet, but it's not like I had any other choice.

I've been at home those last three days, I told chief Wells that I didn't want to go to work, no matter what was happening at the hospital, I just couldn't be there. And I wanted to be some sort of support for my mom and Jisoo, but I didn't want to go home, I didn't want to be there and see the place where he should be, but wasn't.

When it came to Jisoo though, I was surprised by her behavior. She wasn't mad, she wasn't sad. She didn't cry, I haven't seen her cry even once, which shocked me a little. She always had good relations with our dad, better than I did. Why wasn't she sad? I guess she must have been in shock, maybe she was in denial, I don't know. I wish I was like her, I didn't want to feel all that pain.

The funeral itself was long and boring. I saw a lot of people, friends of my dads, people who worked with him, some distant family. It broke me a little when I saw Jesper though, because he's been crying so much, he probably hasn't seen me today yet. I felt bad for him, I felt bad because he was the one who operated on dad, and I don't think that was the right decision. My father has been like a father to Jesper for years, and he was pretty shaken up during that surgery. I was angry for doctor Barnes for calling him, because I don't think Jesper should have operated on dad, But well, it happened, and to be honest, I didn't blame him for Minseok's death. It was nobody's fault. He had another heart attack, it was quite obvious that he would die.

I saw doctor Wells at some point, when a lot of people already left, so I decided to talk to him, because I needed to tell him something. "Hey chief, can I talk to you for a minute?" I asked, standing in front of him.

"Yohan," he spoke, looking at me with pity. "I'm so sorry for your loss, son. I still can't believe it really happened," he said, giving me a weak smile.

"Yeah, let's not talk about it, chief Wells, I wanted to ask if you're ready to retire," I said, giving him a serious look. I didn't want to refuse anymore, didn't want to wait. I was ready to take that job and dive into work. "I'm taking the job, I can even start tomorrow," I added.

He looked at me with sad eyes and frowned deeply. "I'm all for it, Yohan-ah, but are you sure you're ready? How about you take some time off, huh? Your father just died a few days ago, I don't think you're-"

"I'm ready," I cut him off. I may have been sad and angry, but I needed to go back to work. As much as I didn't want to spend time at the hospital that reminded me of my father, where he worked, where he died, I needed to come back. I needed to take my mind off of things. "I'm ready, chief, I'll be at work tomorrow," I said sternly.

"Fine then," he nodded at me eventually. "There's just one problem. Doctor Barnes left after your father's surgery, Yohan. He said that he doesn't want to be known as the man who killed Lee Minseok, and he said that he can't work here anymore."

What? Was he serious? Shit. I didn't know doctor Barnes well, but from all the stories, I figured he was a real dick. I obviously knew that he didn't kill dad, but was he seriously so worried about his career? "Then you need a new head of cardio," I said, already knowing damn well what I wanted to do with the position.

"That's right," doctor Wells nodded. "The interviews start tomorrow, we're looking for someone as soon as possible, and-"

"Jesper Harris, period," I said sternly and he looked up at me a little shocked. "You know he's the best you've got, and he's been doing all the work for doctor Barnes anyway. I'll be the new chief, doctor Wells, but only if I can make doctor Harris the new head of cardio, because that's what he deserves."

"I'm not saying no," doctor Wells said, smiling a little. "It's just- Do you really think that promoting Jesper after your father's surgery is a good idea? People-"

"I don't care what people may think," I cut him off, already knowing where he was going with this. "He didn't kill dad, Roger. He was just the one who was unfortunate enough to be called in by doctor Barnes. And Barnes left, which put all the blame on Harris, unnecessarily. Jesper didn't do anything wrong."

I didn't want people to think that Jesper killed Minseok, because that wasn't the case. He was innocent. Dad died, because he was sick and nobody could help him with that, not even Jesper, no matter how brilliant he was. "Fine," I heard doctor Wells speak. "We'll do whatever you want, Yohan-ah. I'll call Jesper tomorrow, and-"

"Call me? Why?" Suddenly Jesper himself appeared in front of us, and I felt like crying, because I noticed how much he must have cried today. And unfortunately, doctor Wells already told him everything, said that Jesper needed to come to the interview tomorrow, even though he already got the job. And right after Roger left, Jesper looked at me with angry eyes. "Are you fucking kidding me? You want to make me head of cardio not three days after I killed your dad?" He spoke with an angry voice.

Jesus fuck, was he serious? "You didn't kill him, Jes. Don't ever talk like that," I said sternly. "And yes, I'm the chief now, and I'm making you the head of cardio, because you deserve it, so you better show up for that interview tomorrow," I added.

"Why are you doing this, Yohan? What makes you think that I want it? I couldn't save Minseok, what makes you think that I want to become the head of the department and have even more responsibilities?" He asked with a desperate voice. He started crying again, and I honestly couldn't look at him right now.

"Get over yourself, Jesper," I said, coming a little closer to him and squeezing his shoulders in comfort. "You're the best, I know you are, okay? That's why I want you to become the boss. You didn't do anything wrong, Jes. It was his time to go, as much as it hurts me to admit it, and how much I don't want it to be true, it was his fucking time. He's gone. It's fine. We need to move on, or we'll go crazy," I added, and my own eyes started to fill with tears.

Of course it was sad, and all I wanted to do was cry, but life is moving forward, and we have to as well. As much as I'd like to stay in the moment and mourn, I had things to take care of, patients to treat, people I love to comfort. I needed to get my shit together and I needed to do it fast. I also had to figure out some things in my life, especially since I had a talk with my dad a couple of days ago, about some serious things. We talked about Jesper mostly, we talked a lot, and I got a little emotional about the whole thing. I was a bit angry at myself, at him, at life. I was angry, because we finally talked about things I wanted to talk about for years, and he died a few days after that. He fucking died. I finally didn't have any secrets, we could finally be honest with each other, we could he a happy family, and it was too late now.

Turns out he's been actually really accepting of me, my whole life. I wished that he told me about it before. Maybe if he did, then I wouldn't be so scared about my own feelings, and maybe my life would be different. Shit. Things could have been so much better, if only I had known sooner that my family was so happy about Jesper and I. Damn it.