I Let Myself Want You

38 ● Malcolm ● 11.05.2023

May 11th, 2023

Malcolm, New York

We did a surgery on that patient of Jesper's, the one who had complications with his spinal cord after cardiopulmonary bypass, and thankfully, it was successful. The thing was that we had to closely monitor the patient from now on, because there was a high risk that something could go wrong out of the blue again. Considering the fact that Jesper himself has been quite busy lately, and the patient was now laying in the neuro ward, Jesper handed over the patient to someone else, Jisoo in particular.

I honestly didn't mind that at all, because I was happy that I'd get to spend more time with her, finally. It's been years since we last saw each other and it seemed that she was still bitter about something, though I wasn't sure what her problem was.

Tonight, we both stayed at the hospital, since the patient seriously needed to be monitored all the time, and it just so happened that we were the only ones there, besides the nurses.

"His heart seems fine, though his pressure is a little high, I'm worried," I heard Jisoo's voice, when she suddenly came to sit next to me. I was sitting at the nurse's station, doing some paperwork.

After talking to Yohan, we agreed that he would start radiation this Monday, and that meant a lot of procedures this month, that people couldn't know about. The only people that knew about it were me and that one nurse I basically threatened to keep quiet, so the staff was a bit limited, which meant that I pretty much had to take care of Yohan myself, no matter how many patients I had.

"It's going to be a long night, there might be some troubles after the surgery, especially when he finally wakes up," I pointed out. It's been a few hours and he still hasn't woken up, and I imagine that he will be in a lot of pain if he does. "We don't really have any work besides monitoring him the whole night. Do you want to play some cards or something?" I proposed.

Jisoo looked at me like I was an idiot. "Are you fucking serious right now?" She asked, frowning at me deeply. "Do your paperwork and leave me alone," she added, averting her gaze to a computer.

I sighed heavily in annoyance, because I was sick of her being so cold towards me. "You've been a bitch to me ever since I came here," I pointed out.

"Well, I had a pretty good reason for it," Jisoo answered right away with that same cold tone. A good reason? And what would that be? "I think everyone would be pissed about being left," she added bitterly.

Wait. What? "Left?" I asked, confused. "I think we remember it differently, love," I chuckled, not understanding what she was talking about.

"Oh, really?" She spoke, looking at me again, with eyes full of anger. "You mean you didn't leave me all of a sudden, after you finished med school, to move to fucking Minnesota?"

Okay, I think I got something wrong. Or maybe I was truly a blind idiot. "Correct me if I'm wrong, but we were just friends, Jisoo," I said, stating facts. "Friends with benefits, I guess, but- Friends. You never said you wanted a relationship, in fact you told me that we'll never be together, love," I reminded her. She didn't want anything from me after all, why was I the bad guy?

"Everyone thought we were together, Malcolm," she said with a crazy voice, making me look bonkers. "And I didn't think we had to label it, I thought things were clear between us. Apparently I was wrong," she shrugged dismissively and turned away from me again. Bloody hell.

"Well, you were the one who was hiding our thing, worried that your brother would find out, love," I pointed out. She wasn't without fault after all. "And I've been telling you for months that I wanted to do the residency at Mayo, you bloody knew that," I whisper-shouted, getting angry at her. Because that's why she was apparently angry at me. She made me the bad guy in her story.

"Well you could have at least said goodbye!" She exclaimed, which normally would have drawn attention, but thankfully, we were alone here. "If- If it didn't mean anything to you, you could have at least said goodbye as a friend, Malkie," she added quietly now, like it hurt her to say it.

Malkie. She was the only person to ever call me that, back when I was in med school. It was teasing, mostly, since she heard my mom call me that once, and since then, she could never forget it. Now that I think about it, Jisoo was actually the only person to treat me like a normal person. I've always been a loner, mostly because I preferred being on my own, but also because people were simply cruel, and everyone always made fun of the pale kid, who looked like he was sick, because that's oh so funny. And Jisoo never made fun of that. She was always understanding, didn't want to pry too much, didn't comment on stupid things, like other people.

But back to what she was saying, of course I wasn't a heartless dick, of course I cared about her. We were good friends, honestly, and I did tell her that I would be going to Minnesota. I went to Mayo straight after finishing med school, and it's not like it was anything odd, it was planned. The last time I saw her was probably at graduation, and I remember us talking about Mayo, for sure. That's why I don't understand her anger.

"Well, I only went to Mayo for residency anyway, I came back to Boston after that," I said, just to inform her about it, in case she didn't know.

"You came back to Boston the exact time when I left," she said sadly. "It's like you were avoiding me on purpose," she added. And bloody hell, it wasn't like that at all. I went to Mayo for five years, for my residency, it's not like I did this on purpose so that I wouldn't have to see her.

"Jisoo, we're doctors," I spoke in a serious tone, wanting to end this nonsense already. "Did you really expect me to stay in Boston, just because you were still there? Did you want me to stay because of you? And if you did, then why did you never talk to me about it?" I asked curiously. People were so difficult sometimes, I didn't understand why.

"I thought you were joking about Mayo," she admitted. "Or that they wouldn't accept you for the program. After all, they didn't accept Yohan, so I was sure that-"

"They didn't accept Yohan, because they only accept people who have connections," I said, trying to explain. And sure, Yohan may have had connections, but I know for a fact that the chief there hated his dad, and he so happened to be friends with my mother. "And I was serious about it from the start. It's the best bloody hospital in the country, you don't joke about stuff like that."

"Okay, whatever, I'm done talking about it," she rolled her eyes and stood up from the chair, probably wanting to escape me, but I didn't let her, because something has been bugging me.

"Why did you want me to stay in Boston so much?" I asked curiously. "I knew for a fact that you would go back to New York after med school, so I kind of figured we would lose touch anyway," I shrugged, standing up as well, walking closer to her, so that we could talk comfortably.

She hesitated for a moment, I could clearly see that, but then she looked up at me, and said something I wasn't expecting. "I wanted you to stay in Boston until I finished med school, so that I could convince you to move to New York with me," she admitted, and I could see nothing but vulnerability in her eyes. She was afraid to tell me about it, but she plucked up the courage to do so anyway. She wanted me to know, wanted me to feel gutted about it. "I guess it's too late now," she shrugged and stepped away.

"Jisoo-" I said, trying to stop her from walking away. I didn't want her to go, I wanted to talk to her, talk about whatever all of this meant. Because from what she was saying, it seemed like she cared about our thing more than I thought. "I should check on the patient," she said, not waiting for any more words from me. Bloody hell. I truly fucked up.