I Let Myself Want You

40 ● Yohan ● 9.06.2023

June 9th, 2023

Yohan, New York

Just like Malcolm and I decided, this whole month he scheduled me for radiation. This morning was the last time and I was about to do the last scan, since we always did them on Fridays in the evening.

I had to admit that I've been feeling a little better lately and I was hoping that the radiation actually started working, maybe, possibly, I don't know. Malcolm didn't let me see any scans, he said that I can take a look at it all after four weeks, so I was excited to see what was actually happening with me right now, after four weeks of radiation.

I know four weeks is not much and I know that Malcolm is still convinced that we should do the surgery, but I don't think it's going to be necessary. And even though I was a surgeon myself, I was simply scared to do the surgery mainly because of that, because I was afraid I could lose my sight, that I could never operate again. I decided that I'll do the surgery if it's going to be a life or death situation.

I came into Malcolm's office and I could see that he wasn't happy about what he was looking at, which I figured were probably my scans. Shit. "Please don't tell me you're stressing so much about my scans," I said right away and went over to stand next to him, to look at the scans. He had four monitors on his desk, each monitor had one scan, everything was there. And damn it, I didn't expect it to shrink too much, but fuck, it didn't shrink at all. It was bigger. Much bigger. "H-how the fuck did that happen?" I asked, feeling like I was about to pass out. I didn't expect something like that.

"Well, it was supposed to start shrinking because of radiation," Malcolm started, sighing heavily. "But it seems like the radiation only activated its growth. I can't exactly say that I've never seen something like that, because I have, but- Bloody hell, Yohan, it's not looking good, and I know it's not going to end well. Said patient with that kind of mystery was fine, then we started radiation and the tumor started growing, right after the first session. Two weeks later he was dead, because the tumor was pressing literally everywhere, because it was growing so much," he explained.

Personally I have never had a patient with such condition, I have never seen a tumor growing after radiation, so it scared me a little. And the fact that Malcolm already dealt with something like that? I was at least a little optimistic that he knew what was going to happen. Then again, I wasn't optimistic at fucking all about possibly dying in two weeks.

"So what do we do now?" I asked curiously, completely not knowing what was the best option.

"For one, we have to stop the radiation, right fucking now," he said sternly. "It's not helping at all, it apparently angered the bloody tumor and it's growing pretty fast. We'll do the next scan in a few days to see what's happening, but Yohan, please. Consider that bloody surgery. I don't see any other option for you now. I was hoping that the radiation would help at least a little bit, but it didn't. It made things even worse. Your only option is to cut that bastard out, and I suggest we do this soon, like really soon, like this month, hell, this week even."

Wow, how lovely. So it's either surgery and losing my fucking eyesight, or death. Because what other option do I have? The radiation sucked. And Malcolm rejected chemotherapy from the start. So what now? Surgery or death apparently. The answer should be simple, I guess, but I wasn't so sure about it.

"Let's do the next scan next Friday, we'll see what it looks like after we stop radiation," I suggested, looking at him with a serious face, signaling that I was sure what I was saying.

"Fine, I give you until bloody Friday," Malcolm said, sighing heavily. "But you need to tell Jesper and Jisoo about it as soon as possible. We don't know how much time you have left mate, honestly. You better tell them the truth before you fucking die," he said sternly. "And if we don't operate soon, then the bloody thing can become inoperable, since it's growing so much, and then I won't be able to help you, mate. You have some decisions to make and I suggest you think about it wisely."

I definitely needed to think about it hardly, but I completely didn't know what I wanted to do. I obviously wanted to fucking live, but I was seriously concerned about this surgery. And most of all, I was scared of telling Jesper and Jisoo about it. Mainly because I knew that they'd be mad that I haven't told them sooner, but also because I know how much it's going to hurt them, and I don't think I'm prepared to see that. Them being hurt even more.