I Let Myself Want You

24 ● Jesper ● 20.01.2023

January 20th, 2023

Jesper, New York

About two weeks after the funeral, and I was still walking around mad. I was angry at myself, for what happened to Minseok, and I was still angry at Yohan. I didn't understand why he wanted to make me the head of cardio at this point of my life, right after I lost a patient, an important patient at that.

I haven't talked to Yohan in days actually, because he was pretty busy, and just mainly because I didn't want to talk to him. I knew he still needed some alone time, just like Jisoo, who has been doing a crazy amount of surgeries lately. From what Jia told me, she hasn't been home in days, because she preferred to busy herself with work, which I completely understood. Yet I haven't seen her that much as well, because she's been avoiding me. I guess she must have been mad about Minseok, or the fact that Yohan made me a head of cardio so suddenly. I wanted to talk to her about it, but she's been impossible to find.

I was still grieving myself, since Minseok has been like a father to me, but I chose to get my mind off of it in a different way. I've been seeing Scott. We met almost every day and we had a lot of sex. I was actually quite surprised that I was even brave enough to do it, because I have been kind of traumatized ever since I broke up with Jay, but Scott turned out to be a pleasant surprise, because he was the perfect gentleman, which I really liked.

We've been meeting at his place, at mine, at the hospital even, and the sex was quite good, I had to admit. I was still a bit surprised about it though, because Scott wasn't my type at all, yet somehow, for whatever reason, I was kind of attracted to him.

Right from the start though, I knew that it would end someday with just that, just sex. Even though I liked Scott a lot, I knew nothing would come out of it. He was a great guy and he was good in bed, but I didn't feel emotionally attached to him and I knew that I probably never would. My mother advised me to date, just so that I would finally forget about Yohan, but I couldn't. No matter how much I didn't want to do that, I compared everybody to him, even Scott. I liked the guy, I just hated that he wasn't him.

It was sick. I was fucking sick. I shouldn't have even started this thing with Scott, knowing damn well that I'd never feel anything for him. I was just giving him false hope. I was acting like Yohan was towards me. Shit.

Was it bad, that it didn't bother me? I obviously cared about Scott's feelings, but I kind of cared about myself more. I wanted to keep seeing him, I wanted to keep sleeping with him, because he took my mind off of things and I desperately needed distractions.

Shit. I was a terrible person. Seriously. I needed a distraction and I was using Scott for my own gain. Damn it, Jesper, what is wrong with you? That wasn't me. But did I want to give up on the guy? Hell no. It felt too good, being with him, to end it.

We were adults for fuck's sake. Surely he wouldn't be mad about something like that, right? About this being just sex? Should I tell him it's just sex? I should. That was the responsible thing to do. He should know where we stand, right?

I decided to text him then. 'Do you want to have sex in the on-call room in ten?' I typed. I was acting like a fucking horny teenager, but I didn't care about it, I needed it, I needed that kind of distraction.

'On my way'. He texted back. Great. So I went to that one on-call room we always met at and I waited for him to come. I didn't have to wait long though, because he was here in about five minutes.

We immediately started kissing, and I thought about how awful of a person I was, so I decided to speak and make things clear. "You know what we're doing is just sex, right?" I asked with a trembling voice.

He pulled away from me a little, smiling lightly, looking at me like I was an idiot. "I figured that was it," he shrugged. "I thought that we would talk about it, if it ever became something more," he added. Right. That would be reasonable, talk about feelings if there were any feelings involved. "But it's still just that, right? Just sex?" He asked, his voice soft now.

For some reason, I felt even worse now, because I saw a glimmer of hope in his eyes. A glimmer I had in my own eyes more times than I could count. "Just sex," I answered right away, nodding eagerly, trying to convince myself that everything was fine, that we both wanted the same things, when I knew that we didn't. I could see he wanted more. Damn it.