I Let Myself Want You

16 ● Yohan ● 25.12.2002

December 25th, 2002

Yohan, New York

Right before Christmas started, Jesper and I kind of went on another level in our friendship. I kissed him two days ago, simply because of stupid curiosity, and I realized that I really liked it, when I didn't even expect that I would. It was quite a surprise and I was stunned, but I had nothing to complain about, since kissing Jesper felt really good.

I was wondering what other things would feel like, not only because he was a guy, but simply because he was Jesper, my best friend, the person I was closest to. I guess we must have had some connection that I didn't have with other people, that's why I liked it so much.

And I decided to experiment with it a bit more. I asked him if he wanted to test some things as well, and since he agreed, we decided to spend the rest of the night, when everybody was already asleep, in my room upstairs, which was quite far away from everyone else's rooms.

I was glad that Jesper was eager to try, that he wasn't weirded out by it, that he didn't think I was crazy. It seemed like he genuinely wanted to try as well, so I felt pretty calm about it and I was happy that something like that didn't ruin our friendship.

As expected, we put Hybrid Theory on, just to get rid of the nerves. If I had Linkin Park and Jesper then I had everything I needed in my life, so I was pretty relaxed by then. My best friend on the other hand, didn't look so calm. He was a fucking ball of nerves and I wondered why that was. Was he that scared?

"I-I don't really know how that works," he admitted when we were standing in front of each other awkwardly, not knowing what to do with ourselves. "It's not just because we're guys. Y-you know I haven't done it before," he added. And yes, I did know that.

Honestly? I haven't either. With anyone. I told Jesper that I slept with a girl from our class, and I actually almost did once, but that was just it, it almost happened, but it didn't actually happen in the end.

I didn't really know what I was doing either, I had no experience, all I had was curiosity. I wanted to do it though, I was curious to know what all the fuss concerning sex was about, since all of my other friends from school were talking about it nonstop. For some reason, I wanted to do it with Jesper, I wanted him to be the first person I'd ever do it with, simply because I trusted him the most and trust was pretty important.

I had to admit to myself that it didn't actually appear out of the blue, but I've been thinking about Jesper in that way for some time now. I thought he was really good looking, I've always admired his looks, especially his face. To me, he was simply attractive. It may have sounded weird, but I wasn't about to lie to myself, I really found him attractive, I'd just never tell anyone about it, because people would laugh at that.

We had one gay kid at school last year, and well, he left the school pretty soon, because people bullied him so much, that the guy almost killed himself. It wasn't okay, wasn't okay at fucking all, but even if someone like myself didn't think that the guy was a weirdo, we couldn't actually say anything. People just weren't accepting, so it was better to keep certain things a secret.

Like this thing Jesper and I started. I kissed him, because I wanted to, but I'd never tell anyone, especially my family, my dad. Never. They'd probably kick me out of the house because of it, and my hard work would go to waste. After all, Jesper and I have been studying to become doctors someday, so we couldn't have our reputations tarnished. We needed to remain perfect students and responsible young people, so that we could become someone great in the future.

And tonight's activities would definitely not bring us any greatness in the eyes of the world. Whatever we were doing, we agreed that it would always be just our thing, our secret, a bit of experimenting, a bit of harmless fun that nobody needed to know about.

In the end we actually did it twice tonight, doing it both ways, so that the both of us could have the whole experience. The music definitely helped, because it made us less nervous, it put us in the right mood, I guess. I especially liked the moment when 'My December' was playing while I was inside of him, while I was looking into his grey eyes, which were glowing, literally fucking glowing. They were so shiny, they almost seemed silver and I thought they looked really beautiful.

I loved it. We both did. We loved it so much that decided we should do it more often from now on, because it made us feel fucking awesome, and we weren't ready to give up on that. I was sure that this definitely wasn't a one-time thing, but something we'd be doing quite often, since it felt so good.

And I was incredibly happy that it turned out like that. I was glad that Jesper liked it as much as me, if not more, even. I was happy to know that we'd still remain best friends and that we'd have this as well. What more could I ask for? I had Jesper, I literally had all of him. He was mine, and I was his, and I felt so fucking good, knowing that we kind of belonged to each other now, in a way, and only to each other. I had him, and that was enough. More than enough. It was more than I deserved.