I Let Myself Want You

28 ● Jesper ● 14.02.2023

February 14th, 2023

Jesper, New York

I was surprised when I got a call from Yohan today. We haven't talked since Friday, when I told him about my feelings and he said that he can't do anything about it. That's why I was shocked when I saw that he was calling me, today of all days, on fucking Valentine's Day.

"Where are you?" He asked right away. I haven't even said my greetings, when he asked the question first, impatiently. "Are you home?" He wanted to know if I was out with Scott, for sure. Well, I wasn't. It's not just the fact that he was working tonight, it's also because I haven't spoken to Scott since Friday as well.

I've been thinking about Yohan and our talk and I just texted Scott that I needed some time for myself, and I was glad that he didn't ask about it. "I'm home," I said, nodding eagerly, like he could see me. "I'm looking for a movie to watch, since I don't have any other plans," I added. He was silent for a short while, and that's why I could hear that he was listening to music. No way. "Are you listening to fucking 'Valentine's Day'?" I asked, chuckling a little. I found it funny, since it has always been my favorite song to listen to on that day, I liked crying to it.

"Yeah, yeah I am," Yohan said, laughing a little as well. "Are- I mean. Would you like to listen to it with me? Or like, I don't know, meet up for that album listening we talked about?" He asked with a hesitant voice. Wait. Why? Why today? "I had a pretty bad fight with Sam," he admitted, answering the question I didn't ask. "And I'm sitting at home by myself, and I could use a friend," he added. A friend. A friend?

I shouldn't go. Like seriously, I shouldn't. He just told me that he can't do this, that he has a family. And then he calls me on fucking Valentine's Day, to tell me that he got into a fight with his wife? It was crazy. I shouldn't go.

But well, me being me, I agreed. Because it was Yohan, my best friend, the love of my life, the guy I've been obsessed with my whole life. I craved his attention, I wanted to spend time with him. "Send me your address," I said eventually and went to my room to pick an outfit.

I decided to stop by somewhere on my way to Yohan's, just to pick up some food and some alcohol, just for the sake of it. It's not like I wanted to make it a date, I just wanted to be kind.

He was indeed alone. No Sam and no Joey. We spent the whole night listening to all Linkin Park albums. It was the perfect night. I was craving something like that, just me, my best friend and our music. I didn't even care about what happened between us a few days ago, all I cared about right now was this, this moment, that night.

We managed to listen to all of the albums, and after that we just played the music randomly. Even though I brought some alcohol with me, we didn't really drink much, I guess none of us was in the mood for it. We were talking a lot, about literally everything, and I felt so happy, I was so content that I got to spend this precious time with my best friend.

I was looking at him with so much fascination and so much love, and all I could think about right now was kissing him, but I knew I shouldn't. I knew he wouldn't like that. So I turned away from him, just for a few seconds, just so that I could breathe for a minute and calm down.

"What is it?" Yohan asked. He must have noticed that something was wrong with me, so I told him that it was nothing, that he shouldn't worry. "Come on, tell me. We're friends, right?" He pushed.