I Let Myself Want You

17 ● Jesper ● 26.01.2003

January 26th, 2003

Jesper, New York

We've been doing this thing with Yohan for about a month now, and we were both still quite excited about it. Not only was I happy that my best friend was still with me, that it didn't ruin our friendship, but it actually kind of brought us closer together. We became more intimate with each other, more relaxed, everything was simply better. I was one hundred percent in it, I loved spending more time with him, especially at nights, things were going great between us.

Then everything changed when I saw him at school talking to some girl I've never seen before. He explained what all of this was about, that the girl's name was Samantha, that he met her a few weeks ago, that she's been talking to him a lot, that she apparently liked him and wanted them to be together. And well, they were. They got together today, and when Yohan told me about it, I literally wanted to die.

I hated the girl for many things. First of all I hated the way she looked, because she was absolutely beautiful, stunning, gorgeous, amazingly pretty. I had to admit that she was beautiful, though she wasn't really my type, because I only had one type, and it was Yohan. Always has been. I never found girls attractive anyway, but I could appreciate true beauty if I saw it, and well, Sam was really gorgeous.

I also hated the fact that she was really popular and she had a lot of friends, friends who fucking bullied me, so when I found out who was in her group of friends, I was a bit disappointed with Yohan's choice of a girl. But most of all, I hated her for taking Yohan away from me. I never would have thought that he'd get himself a girlfriend. I never imagined Yohan being someone else's, I refused to accept that he wasn't mine anymore. Was he even mine in the first place?

One thing was sure though, I was his. I've always been his and I always will be, I was certain of it, because I've been in love with Yohan for years and I knew it would never go away.

"So that's it then? You have a girlfriend now? We're done with all of the- Uh. You know. The stuff?" I asked once we were home, in his room, where we spent most of our time together. Did I want this to end? Hell no. I loved it too much to give up on it, I didn't want to cut my time with Yohan short, just because he found a girlfriend.

"We don't have to stop that," he answered, and it surprised me a bit. We don't? "I mean, it's good, right? What we're doing? We like it, why stop? It's not like I would tell Sam anyway and it's not like she's going to find out from someone else, so why stop?" He spoke.

Yes, why stop? I sure as hell wasn't about to complain about what he just said. I didn't give a shit about this girl's feelings, I was convinced that she would disappear from Yohan's life in a few weeks anyway, so I wasn't about to stop seeing my best friend, just because of her, no way.

"I-I don't mind continuing it, i-if that's what you want," I said truthfully. I only cared about Yohan's opinion in this, about his feelings, not Sam's. If he wanted to keep doing it, then I was all for it.

"Sam is cool and I like her, but she doesn't have to know about it, right? After all, we're just having fun, right? We can keep having fun, it's not a big deal," Yohan spoke. And of course, it was still just fun for him, nothing more. It didn't bother me though. I didn't care what he called it, as long as we were still spending time together, as long as we were still friends, as long as we were having sex, as long as I could look into his warm chocolate eyes all the time, I didn't mind it.

I loved him and I wasn't about to give up on him. So he got himself a girlfriend, so what? I didn't care about her, because I was sure he would dump her eventually. I knew he must have gotten her just because of his parents, because he wanted to show them that he had a girlfriend, that he liked girls. And to be honest, I didn't blame him, because I wouldn't want my mother to know that I was fucking a guy as well. I didn't mind keeping the secret for a little bit more. To be honest, I didn't want people to find out about us, because I wanted this new thing between us to remain just that, our thing, not someone else's. And one day maybe, if I gathered enough courage, I would finally tell Yohan how I really feel about him, and maybe we would actually get together, like a normal couple, like he and Sam did.