I Let Myself Want You

15 ● Jesper ● 23.12.2002

December 23rd, 2002

Jesper, New York

I love Christmas. I've always loved everything about it. The food, the presents, the decorations, the atmosphere, the snow. I loved living in New York even more when it was Christmas, because the city felt truly magical at this time of the year.

Most of all, I loved spending holidays with the people I loved, and besides my mom, it was the Lees. While my mom, Jia and Minseok were downstairs, preparing food for tomorrow's Christmas dinner, Yohan and I were upstairs, doing our own thing. It was quite late in the evening, it was almost midnight, yet our parents were determined with their cooking and they wanted to finish preparing everything beforehand. In my opinion, it was kind of just an excuse to spend more time gossiping and drinking wine, since they were adults, and they didn't really have that many free days during Christmas time.

And us, the kids, we spent most of the day helping them in the kitchen with cookies, and also playing in the snow in between. Considering that it was late now, little Jisoo went to bed some time ago, and it was just me and Yohan now, sitting alone in his room.

Since we were pretty tired from the day, we simply laid on the carpet in his room and put some music on. Hybrid Theory, of course, because we've been obsessed for years. We've been laying like that for more than half an hour now, just staring at the ceiling, listening to the sound of music.

I loved evenings like that, just me, Yohan, music, peace and quiet. I would give up literally everything else, just to have this for the rest of my life. And when 'Pushing Me Away' ended and 'My December' started playing, I felt Yohan shift a little. I liked this song a lot, it was simple and surprisingly slow for Linkin Park, but it was a nice change.

We were laying head to head on the carpet, next to each other, and suddenly I felt his gaze on me, so I decided to turn to look at him as well. Yohan always took my breath away. I was foolishly in love with him ever since I could remember, and my feelings didn't seem to want to go away, even though I knew I'd never have any chance with him. We were best friends after all, two bros who knew each other their whole lives. I was just stupid enough to fall in love, it was a mistake I wasn't proud of, but oh well.

So here I was, looking straight at Yohan, into his amazingly beautiful eyes, which were so deeply brown, they almost seemed black. His eyes were so warm and genuine, I melted every time I stared into them. And funnily enough, I noticed that those eyes I loved so much were still on me, though they weren't looking into my own, grey eyes, they were staring intensively a little bit lower. He was fucking staring at my lips. What the fuck.

It lasted a while, for me it seemed like a whole fucking eternity, and when he moved towards me, I swear I wanted to scream. I didn't know what to do with myself. I've never been kissed, by anyone, guy or girl. And here I was, in front of the possibly only love of my miserable life, waiting for him to move closer, to kiss me, because I've been desperately wanting it to happen for months, if not years.

And I had to admit, I loved life right now. Fucking hell, I really loved my fucking life right this second, right when he leaned in and touched my lips with his own with a soft peck, as if testing if he liked it, if I liked it. He looked up into my eyes, my grey, pale eyes, that screamed I fucking love you, please do that again. And as if he read my mind, he leaned in again and kissed me with more force now, more meaning, more everything. I swear, I could die right now, and I'd die happily. I'd die the happiest fucking person in the world, just because Lee Yohan, the Lee Yohan, my best friend, the love of my life, just fucking kissed me, twice.

He was kissing me, and he wasn't about to stop. He actually came closer and grabbed my face with his hand, and I kissed back, not wanting him to let go. We were kissing for the rest of that fucking song. The song. I related to some of the lyrics so much, like yes, Chester, this is My December, it's my fucking December. Mine. My time of the year. It may have been a sad song, but all I would think about while listening to it, starting today, was this. That kiss, with Yohan. And me, being so fucking happy. All I could think about is those two words – My December. It's my fucking month from now on, my favorite month, my favorite time of the year. Period.

The kiss ended right when the song did, and I followed after him when he pulled away, wanting more. Yohan smiled at me funnily, looking into my eyes. I didn't know what was going to happen right now. To be honest, I was scared. "Sorry, I got a bit carried away," he spoke. Don't fucking apologize. I'll let you get carried away again. "I just thought how I always wanted to do that, I wanted to see if kissing guys is any different from kissing girls, don't take it too personally," he added. Oh. Oh. Wow. That's... Okay. I did not expect that. Wow. It hurt. It fucking hurt. Why was I stupid enough to think that it meant something? Fucking hell Jesper, you're so gone for this boy, you can't even think clearly.

"W-was it different?" I decided on asking, not really knowing what else to say. Because what could I? I did take it personally. I've always wanted to do that as well. I wouldn't know if it was any different than kissing girls, but I'd tell him that it was amazing, mind-blowing, it was exactly how I'd imagine the first kiss to be. Life fucking changing. And about a minute ago, I truly thought that it would be life changing, that it would change things between us, things I desperately wanted to become reality.

We weren't sitting as close now, but Yohan was still scanning my face carefully, as if looking for something, trying to find an answer. "It was," he admitted after a minute. "It was different. It was quite unexpected, if I'm being honest," he chuckled lightly.

Wait. Hold up. There's hope. Please, let there be hope. "Unexpected? How?" I asked curiously. I was so curious about what he was thinking, I wanted him to shout it out loud, all at once, just so that I could know what he was feeling at the moment. "W-was it good?" I decided to ask.

"Surprisingly good," he nodded with a light frown, like he was surprised that he liked it. So he liked it and I liked it. What did that mean? Would it change anything between us? "Would you like to try anything else sometime? Like I don't know, experiment a little?" He proposed and fucking hell, I never would have expected him to ask me of this.

"S-sure. If you want. I'm down," I said, nodding eagerly, though trying to stay calm. I didn't want him to see that I was screaming on the inside. And it was a little bit funny to me, in spite of everything. The fact that I've been in love with him for years, and that he basically proposed that we should become friends who, what, fuck each other? It was funny. My life was damn funny. I wanted him to love me back, I wanted to be with him, but I got this. I became an experiment. A toy. Someone he could play with, but without any feelings involved. And of course me being me, I fucking agreed, because I'd rather have this, than to not have Yohan at all.

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So that's how it all started 👀👀

I know there's a lot of Jesper's chapters, but soon enough, Yohan will have his chance and we'll see some things from his pov, his time will come when it's needed ;)