I Let Myself Want You

25 ● Jesper ● 10.02.2023

February 10th, 2023

Jesper, New York

Things have been going great with Scott and I. We've been seeing each other more and more, meeting not just for sex, but for casual dates, and I had to admit that I liked it. He was truly a good guy and I was starting to like the fact that he was so into me. I've been a bit skeptic about it at first, but I think I've been developing some feelings for him as well. I wouldn't exactly say that I liked him a lot, but I'd say that I started to care for him.

In general, life has been truly great lately. I was doing a good job when it came to being the head of the department, I started talking to Jisoo more, and she said that she just needed time after her father's death, but she absolutely didn't blame me for anything and she wasn't mad at all. She suggested that we should hire a new cardio attending though, because ever since doctor Barnes left, we were kind of short-staffed, which put a lot of work on me, Jisoo, and two other attendings we had. I definitely agreed with her and set up some interviews for next week.

When it came to Yohan though, things weren't so good. Ever since he became the chief, he didn't have time for anyone. Not for Jisoo, not his family, not even me. He's been basically sleeping at the hospital this past month, and I could see it caused some tension in the family.

I talked to Jia about it, and she said that she's been spending time with Joey a lot lately, because Sam was angry at Yohan for taking so much work, and she decided to work more herself. That resulted in the kid being away from his parents a lot and spending a lot of time with his grandmother. Jia said she didn't complain though, she was happy to see her grandson all the time, especially since she hasn't been seeing much of Jisoo and Yohan lately, and she's been pretty lonely after Minseok's death.

I actually haven't seen Yohan in weeks, until today. I was just in the middle of my night shift and I had a short break, so I decided to go to an on-call room to rest a little. I didn't get to rest though, because I saw Scott there, and since we both had some time off, we decided to use it the best we could. The fate wasn't on my side though, because we kind of forgot to lock the door and someone came into the room.

Yohan. Fucking chief of surgery. Scott obviously didn't know anything about my relations with Yohan, so he was a bit scared when he noticed him coming into the room. "Chief Lee! Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I- We were just- We-" Scott started rambling and I turned around from them, not wanting to look at Yohan, because I was pretty embarrassed myself.

"Aren't you that anesthetic nurse?" He asked with a confused voice. Was he surprised that I was kissing a nurse? That I was kissing someone at all? "Don't you have work to do?" He asked another question, this time with a stern voice. Great, he was angry.

"Y-yes," I heard Scott stutter. Damn it, he was already fucked in Yohan's eyes. "I should go. I-I'm going," he said in a hurry and I turned around to look at him. "Doctor Harris," he said curtly, nodding at me and smiling in apology. He didn't have to apologize to me, I should be the one to apologize, I got him in trouble in front of the chief.

The door closed after him and I looked up at Yohan, who was looking at me with raised eyebrows. "A nurse? A nurse? Seriously, Jes? You're one of those? Good thing you're not sleeping with one of your students, like Jisoo, or some intern who-"

"Shut up," I cut him off. I didn't see anything wrong with dating Scott, we met outside of the hospital, it's not like we worked a lot together. And it's not like I was harassing him or something, we were mutually into each other. "It's not like I'm going to get some girl pregnant and have troubles with it for the rest of my life, it's not like I'm going to have to start a family and raise a kid I don't want just because I'm sleeping with the wrong people," I said, giving him an annoyed look.

He sighed heavily at that, frowning at me deeply. "If you have a problem with my family, Jesper, just say it," he spoke. "I have to admit I'm disappointed though, I never would have thought you'd be one to sleep with nurses. And such slutty ones at that. Didn't you hear the rumors about Scott? I have been here less time than you, and I already know everything," he said that with a loud snort. "Do you want to get hurt again?" He asked the question with a soft voice, which threw me off a little.

"Does it really matter?" I shrugged. "Nobody can hurt me more than Jay, or you. What's a little breakup compared to being raped or rejected by the love of my life?" I asked. I wasn't shy of my feelings towards him, I wanted him to hear it, I wanted him to hate himself for what he did to me.

"Jesper," Yohan spoke softly, coming a little closer to me. I saw a lot of pain in his eyes, and I didn't like it at all. Even though I wanted him to hurt in a way, I also didn't want to see him get hurt. It was stupid. "I don't like him, I don't think you should be seeing him. You suffered enough already, with Jay, with- With me. Please, just- Don't do this to yourself. Don't date random people just because you need a distraction."

Obviously, he knew that it was just a distraction. He could see it wasn't serious. Of course he fucking noticed that, since he knew I was in love with him. "I wouldn't be dating Scott, if I had the one person I wanted most," I shrugged helplessly. Just thinking about the fact that I've been wanting him my whole life, yet I couldn't have him, made the tears come to my eyes uncontrollably. I hated being weak in front of him, but I just couldn't help it. He made me vulnerable, and it didn't even take much. We could just be standing in front of each other, like now, looking into each other's eyes, and all I wanted to do was cry.

I could see he didn't know what to say to that. He was surprised every single time I spoke about my feelings for him, like it was something new, some surprise. "So what, you would stop dating creeps if- You're saying that- Y-you-" Shit. He was actually startled by that. And he was stuttering. Jesus fuck, what is happening?

I decided to be bold. I took a step closer, which resulted in no space between us at all. I was standing so close to him that my feet bumped into his. The only way we could be closer, would be if I'd put my leg between his legs, and well, I wasn't about to get that close. "Yes," I said with a serious voice, nodding lightly, wanting to show him that I was really serious about this. Yes, Yohan, I would stop dating fucking creeps if you ever gave me any attention. If you wouldn't have that joke of a family, that you didn't even want. I want you to stop lying to yourself and admit that you feel something for me as well.

But obviously, I didn't say that. I was too scared to do so. So I just waited. Waited for him to say something, to do something. "Look, Jesper," he spoke eventually, looking up at me, looking into my eyes with a serious expression on his face. "You know that I can't. I just- I can't. I have a family, Jes. Even if I wanted to-"

"Do you?" I stopped him right away when he said that. Even if I wanted to. So there was a possibility. He's been thinking about it. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuuuck. He's been finally thinking, considering, he- Shit. "Do you?" I asked again. "Because I do, Yohan. Hell, I've been waiting for years for you to make a move, do something, anything. I've been fucking dreaming about you having feelings for me, and I know you have a family, I fucking know that. But-"

I suddenly saw him taking a step back. He pulled away completely, almost backing away to the fucking door. Wait. Stop. Don't go. "There's the 'but'. They are the 'but', Jes. Doesn't matter what I want. But I have a family. I don't get to decide what I want to do with my feelings. I just- I can't, Jes. I'm sorry."

That's all he said before he left. He didn't add anything else, he didn't do anything else, didn't want to wait for what I had to say. He just left. Like it was nothing. He left. Fuck you, Yohan. Fuck you for giving me actual hope for something, and then leaving me, again. Fuck you for admitting that there could be something there, that I wasn't blind, that we could be something. Fuck you for crushing my hopes again. Fuck you for choosing that family over me.