I Let Myself Want You

46 ● Jesper ● 19.06.2023

June 19th, 2023

Jesper, New York

I was about to go home after eight in the evening, but it turns out that Yohan was still at work and he called me to come to his office to come look at something. He said that it was a neurological case obviously, but he needed some second opinion on it. I didn't mind stopping by and looking at some scans, since I knew that it would probably take a minute and then we'd go home together anyway, so after I finished everything I had to do today, I headed upstairs to his office.

I came into the office and noticed a lot of scans all around the room on the monitors. "Wow, that's a big tumor," I said right away, looking at all of that, seeing that on every single scan was the same thing. "Who's the patient?" I asked curiously, wondering how old the person could be. "Male, thirty seven," Yohan answered curtly. "Wow, he's young," I noticed. "How much would you give him? What's the prognosis after the surgery?"

"At best, complete recovery," he shrugged. "If there's complication, then vision damage, since the tumor is in the occipital lobe. At worst death, I guess. I don't know if he's having the surgery though, because it's risky. I haven't decided yet," he added, looking at me with sad eyes.

"Do you even have a say in that? What does the patient want? If he wants the surgery, then you should do it, right?" I asked and looked at him. I noticed that Yohan wasn't looking at me and he wasn't answering as well. "Yohan," I spoke, getting his attention. "Why are you hesitating? You've probably operated on a lot of tumors like that."

"I'm not operating this time," he said.

"What do you mean?" I frowned at him. "Is Malcolm doing it? Isn't that your patient though? Did the patient not want you to? Did you not want to?"

"The patient chose Malcolm, Jesper," Yohan said firmly, biting his lip nervously.

"Why though?" I frowned again, not understanding. "You're like the best of the best. No offence to Malcolm, but you're the chief, you're the best. And if it's your patient-"

"I'm not operating, because I can't operate on myself, Jesper," Yohan spoke with a nervous voice and he looked straight at me. Wait. What? He- What? "I'm the patient, Jes," he added, coming closer.

"You're not funny," I said firmly, backing away from him. I never appreciated jokes like that.

"Well, I'm not laughing," Yohan said, his voice breaking when he said that. No. Stop. Nonono.

"You're kidding," I stated, not wanting to believe him, because that couldn't be true.

"Do I look like I'm fucking kidding?!" He said, raising his voice a little, looking at me with glassy eyes. I looked into those eyes and then I looked around the room, looking at the scans. Shit. Shitshitshit. Shit. Fucking hell. No. Nonono. No. No way. That's fucking impossible. Fuck. Fuckfuckfuck. Damn it, damn it, DAMN IT!

"Are you fucking kidding me, Yohan?" I asked, my voice breaking as well. There was no way it was actually happening. No fucking way. I wouldn't accept it, it couldn't be fucking true. "You can't be the patient. How- When- When did that happen? How long have you known about this?" I asked with a shaky voice. Shitshitshit. This isn't happening.

"I've known for weeks," he admitted. And wait. What? What? Weeks? "I've never had a CT and I started having some serious headaches a few months ago, so I decided to do one. And then I found the meningioma, and that's why I asked Malcolm to come to New York, that's why I offered him a job. I needed a neurosurgeon, someone I could trust, someone good, perfect even, someone who would do whatever it takes to help me. And he has. He's aggressive and he's pushing for more than I want, because he's trying to fucking save me. The tumor has been growing for some time, and as you can see it's pretty big. We already went through radiation and it only worsened everything, so we stopped. And I lost my sight during surgery today, for a couple of hours."

"Wait, just- S-stop for a moment," I spoke, because that was definitely too much. I understood everything, but- It was just too much. "You lost sight during surgery? Are you insane? Why are you even operating when you have a tumor?! And- What the hell? Are you fucking insane, Yohan? You've known for months that you have a fucking tumor, and you never said anything?! Are you- Are you an actual idiot? How could you keep something like that from me? How- How the hell could you propose to me a few days ago?! How could you do all that, Yohan?" I said, trying to process all of that.

What the fuck. I didn't know what I should be more mad about - about him not telling me about it, proposing to me while he was sick, or the main thing, the fact that he was fucking sick, that he was probably dying. What the actual fuck?

"I'm so sorry, Jesper," I finally heard him speak, looking at me with guilt in his eyes. "I wanted to tell you, I really did, I just- We just got together and you were so happy and I didn't want to ruin that happiness. And I- I didn't know how to tell you that you just got me back and there's a high possibility that you're going to lose me again quite soon, just in a different way," he said, and his voice completely broke after saying that and he started crying, looking at me apologetically.

"And you thought not telling me that you're dying would make me happy?" I asked, looking at him like he was crazy. What the fuck. "Are you fucking insane?!" I asked, looking at him like he was fucking crazy. I couldn't believe that he'd keep something like that from me. "We're partners Yohan. I love you. I trust you. But apparently you don't trust me, because if you did, you would have told me, that you're fucking dying!" I raised my voice in anger. I felt like I was going crazy as well.

"I do trust you, Jesper," Yohan answered with a stern voice. "I just didn't want to worry you! I-"

"You didn't want to worry me?! Are you serious?! So what, you wanted me to find out about it after you're already dead? Are you fucking insane?" I was mad. I was so fucking mad, I was shaking with anger. How could he not tell me? And it's not only Yohan I was angry at, it was the whole fucking universe. I was mad at the world for doing something like that to him, to us.

I didn't actually know what to do now. I didn't want to fight with him, because it wasn't his fault that he was fucking sick. And what could I do? It's not like I could fix him. Just like I couldn't save Minseok, I can't save Yohan either. I'm useless. Powerless.

So the only thing I could do was cry, literally. There was nothing else I could possibly do. So I looked at Yohan with all the pain and anger I had in me and I broke down like a baby. I started sobbing like an idiot and I run to hug him as tightly as I could, to make sure that he was real, that he was still here, that he wouldn't disappear.