I Let Myself Want You

30 ● Jesper ● 15.02.2023

February 15th, 2023

Jesper, New York

I bumped into Sam when I was leaving work today, which was a bit weird. After my day with Yohan yesterday, it was a little awkward, seeing his wife, looking at her like nothing happened, talking to her like I haven't kissed her husband not even twenty four hours ago.

"Looking a little tired Sam. Are you doing okay?" I asked, not trying to seem rude, though I think I did, with the way she was looking at me with such hatred, like never before.

She stopped walking suddenly, after hearing me speak, and she glared at me intensively. "You know, I realized that you never even bothered to get to know me, Jesper. Why is that? You always just hated me for being with Yohan, and I guess your hatred finally paid off," she said, laughing at me theatrically. I frowned at her, not understanding. "We talked. He told me everything," she clarified. Well, that made sense.

"Okay, so can you blame me for hating you though? You basically took him away from me," I said, still frowning at her. I didn't like her and I was never shy about it.

"I took him away from you? Are you serious?" She breathed out, looking at me like I was ridiculous, though I had to admit that she looked pretty crazy right now. "You think you had it the worst? What do you think I felt all those years, Jesper? We were in a relationship, I loved him, and yet he preferred to spend time with his best friend, instead of me, his fucking girlfriend. You don't know what it's like to be in love with someone and see that person be unhappy with you. I literally had to watch how much he hated being with me."

I sighed heavily at that. Yes, Sam, I do think I had it the worst, because you actually had Yohan, I fucking didn't. "Are you for real? I felt like that my whole life. I've been in love with him ever since we were kids and I thought there could be something more between us, but then he met you, and he was gone. I never even stood a chance. I thought he was happy spending time with me, but clearly, I wasn't enough, and he found you," I explained with a bitter voice.

"He may have met me, Jesper, but he never loved me," Sam spoke with a weak voice, like she was tired of all of it already. "He may have said he did, but I know that he didn't. He was always hung up on you and I could see that. He was just too scared to admit it, and I thought that since he won't ever come to you, because he's scared, then he will want to stay with me, and I was happy to do everything to keep him by my side. Because I loved him, and I wanted him all to myself," she shrugged helplessly, tearing up.

If she thought I'd feel sorry for her, she was completely wrong. I wouldn't. I was convinced that I was on the losing position here. She spent years with Yohan, as his wife, they had a child together, they lived together. And me? I had nothing with him. Literally nothing. That's why I was mad about Sam complaining. She may have lost him now, but for fuck's sake, it was time to let go, he didn't want to be with her anymore.

"So what's going to happen now?" I asked, giving her a curious look, wanting to know something from her, anything, since I was sure I wouldn't hear from Yohan anytime soon, since I myself told him to take some time to think about everything.

"Well, he said he wants to separate," Sam admitted, not looking at me. "I don't know if I want to agree to that just yet, I don't want Joey to lose his father. I may have already lost Yohan, but I won't let my kid lose his father," she added with a stern voice.

I understood that. Even though I thought Joey wasn't Yohan's kid, I totally understood what she was talking about. "It wasn't my intention to take him away from you, Sam," I started, wanting to say some comforting words before I left. "It wasn't my goal to hurt you. I'm just-"

"You're retreating what was rightfully yours," she cut me off, smiling weakly at me. I frowned at that, not understanding. "He's always been yours, Jesper. You know that, I know that. He has to know that as well. You guys always belonged to each other. I just always wished that things could be different. Not in this life, I guess," she said, and it's like it hurt her to look at me, she quickly turned away without saying goodbye and left. Shit.