I Let Myself Want You

31 ● Yohan ● 22.02.2023

February 22nd, 2023

Yohan, New York

I haven't seen Jesper in days, because just like he said, I took some time to figure things out. I was happy that I finally admitted my feelings for him and I was ready to start a new chapter in my life that day, but turns out nothing changed that much.

The day after I had that talk with Jesper, I confronted Sam about our son. She was a little surprised that I even brought it up, but eventually she agreed to do some tests, even though she was mad as hell about me even questioning it. Turns out Jesper was actually wrong, and Joey was indeed my son.

I was both relieved and disappointed. Relieved, because it meant that she wasn't lying to me, that Joey was really my son and I had nothing to worry about. Disappointed, because I thought that this would be my out. I thought that after proving Joey wasn't mine, I would have a reason to leave Sam, because I've been thinking about it for some time now.

This morning though, I came to work a brand new man. I haven't been this happy in years, like seriously, even decades. My happiness only concerned Jesper of course, I was happy because I finally confessed to him and I was literally on cloud nine. Even though I was a bit concerned about the Sam situation, I was still happy that Jesper and I were finally fine. Or so I thought.

My happiness grew even more when I saw him standing by the elevators. He was walking into one right now, thankfully by himself, so I ran up to him and got on the same elevator just in time. "Good morning," I said happily and smiled at him widely when he finally noticed me.

"Yohan," he breathed out in shock. "I haven't seen you in days, is everything okay? Did you do the test?" He asked.

I nodded. "I was going to call you tonight," I admitted and pressed the button to the highest floor, because I wasn't ready to part with him yet. "I talked to Sam about everything, we did the test and turns out you were wrong, Jes. He's my kid." I explained, turning to stand in front of him.

And fuck, I loved seeing him happy and I felt so fucking bad about ruining his good mood. He was finally smiling at me with a real, genuine smile, there was no pain there, just pure happiness, and I fucking ruined it the second I told him about Joey. "You're serious?" He asked quietly, surprised. "Fuck, I-I'm sorry Yohan, I didn't mean to make you doubt your son, but- Shit. I really thought I was right. I didn't do it to break up your family, I swear," he admitted.

I nodded in understanding at that, coming even closer, circling my hands around his waist. "It's fine, don't feel bad," I whispered, coming even closer, so that our foreheads were touching. "I was silently hoping that you were right though," I admitted. "Because that would make this so much easier. But now? I don't know what to do, Jes."

"Damn it, I really thought I was right," he said, touching my nose lightly with his. "But where does that leave us? I don't want to lose you again, Yohan. I can't. What are we?" He asked hopefully, looking deep into my eyes.

"I don't want to wait anymore," I admitted. I truly couldn't wait any longer. I wanted to be with him already. I needed it. "I was serious when I said that I don't love Sam anymore, really. I just don't know how to talk to her about it," I shrugged, looking into his eyes with a hopeful stare. Damn it, those eyes. I know he has always hated them, thinking that they were bland, that they weren't special. Yet to me, they were. He was. "I don't want to leave Joey without a father," I admitted, thinking about it intensively. I honestly didn't want to stay with Sam, I wanted to be with Jesper and Jesper only.

"You won't leave him without a father, Yohan," Jesper said, looking at me with a sad smile, coming closer. "It's not like you're moving to another country, it's not like you're dying," he said, chuckling a little.

"I need to think about it," I said eventually. "The sure thing is that I don't want to be with Sam anymore. I don't want to give up on you, Jes. I'm sure of that," I said, touching his cheek lightly, and I didn't even think twice about kissing him, consequences be damned.

He was quick to lick my lips so that he could enter my mouth with his tongue, and I wasn't about to complain. We started kissing hungrily like we've been starved for years, which to be fair, we were. I craved his touch as much as he craved mine and I couldn't believe that we actually survived so many years without each other, and I was hoping that we would never have to get through something like that again.

The kiss was starting to get a little too hot and too desperate, considering that we were just in the elevator that could open at any minute, so I decided to pull away from him. I could see that he wasn't too happy about it, but that would make two of us. I quickly reached with my hand to press the button for our floor, happy that it would give us another minute. "What time do you get off tonight?" I asked.

"Seven," he answered right away with a slight smile. "And so are you, because I already asked Jisoo," he added. Oh. Did it mean he was planning something? "I've been asking about you almost every day, so she just gave me your schedule," he explained. "Why are you asking, do you have something in mind?" He asked, looking at me with hopeful eyes.

"Do you want to have dinner with me?" I asked, smiling shyly at him. I didn't just want it, I needed it. I needed him, and I was hoping that he would agree. "Meet me by the elevators at seven?" I proposed, since we were both finishing work at the same time, so we could just meet up and go home together.

Jesper looked at me with a sad expression on his face. "Yohan, I don't think we should," he said. "You're still with Sam, it's not right. I don't think that we should do anything if you're still with her, I don't think we should see each other outside of work and-" He started.

"Stop," I said, shutting him up with a light kiss. "There's nothing between Sam and I anymore," I spoke sternly. "I do love you, Jes, and I do want you. I want us to move forward, together. I finally plucked up the courage to confess to you, so I don't want us to hide anymore, Jes."

"Fine," he said, sighing heavily. "Only if you're sure," he added, and I nodded eagerly at that. "I guess I'll see you tonight then. Can't wait." Just then the elevator doors opened and we were unfortunately forced to part, but I knew that we'd see each other in a couple of hours, which made the day so much easier.