I Let Myself Want You

32 ● Jesper ● 22.02.2023

February 22nd, 2023

Jesper, New York

I was literally shaking the whole day, looking at the clock every five minutes, checking if the time was even moving. I was so fucking excited about tonight, I was sure I'd explode soon. I couldn't believe all of this was happening. Yohan and I. Us. Together. It was so fucking surreal, I couldn't believe it was true. Even though Sam was still in the picture, I couldn't care less about her.

"If you don't stop shivering, I swear I will slap you," Jisoo spoke to me when we were walking into the scrub room. We had a long surgery ahead and I was a bit worried that I'd have to stay at work longer. "I need your hands to be steady, boss, so calm the fuck down."

Oh how I loved working with Jisoo. She was always so professional and focused. "I'm sorry, I'm just excited, I'm not sick or anything," I admitted, though maybe I was sick in a way, I don't know. "I don't know if you've heard, but-"

"Yohan finally confessed, I know," she spoke, before I could finish the sentence. So she did know. Did Yohan tell her? "Believe it or not, I actually talk with my brother, a lot. And obviously everyone knew that you guys were crazy about each other. I could see that things with Sam were tough lately, so I confronted him about it and he told me that he finally confessed," she explained, just as we started scrubbing. "And I can't tell you how happy I am that my stupid brother finally got enough courage to do that," she added, looking up at me with a proud smile.

I honestly loved the support from Yohan's family, I just wished Yohan himself figured it out sooner, that his parents didn't mind it, that they were rooting for us. "Thanks Jisoo, your support means a lot," I told her, smiling back at her widely. "I hope we'll finish the surgery soon, because I kind of have a date tonight," I admitted, looking at the clock, seeing that it was already after five.

"Oh shit, first date, huh?" She said, giving me an excited look. "I don't mind finishing the surgery by myself if everything goes smoothly. If you don't want to be late for your date, then I can totally take over," she offered, which I really appreciated, but I didn't think there was a need for it.

"Thank you, but I think I'll be fine," I shrugged. "I think Yohan of all people should understand if the surgery takes too long," I added. He was a surgeon after all, he knew how it was. Surely a few more minutes won't be a problem. "I'm just so excited I feel like I might explode," I admitted, chuckling a little. "We haven't spent any quality time together literally in years and I just can't wait to spend a few hours with him, just the two of us. I can't wait to talk some more without the pressure of time or whatever, I can't wait to- Well-"

"You can't wait to see if he's still good in bed?" Jisoo asked, wiggling her eyebrows at me. And fuck, no, damn it, did she really have to say that? "God, I can't believe how starved you must have been. Did you have sex with anyone since that psycho ex-boyfriend of yours?" She asked.

And okay, fuck, Jay. I haven't thought of him in a while. Did I have sex after Jay? Well, I did. With Scott. A lot. But it was different, obviously. Scott was a distraction. Jay was a psycho. Yohan was the love of my life. There was just one thing I was worried about. The fact that I was still a bit jumpy when people touched me, especially men, especially Asian men, and all that thanks to Jay. And I knew that Yohan and Jay were completely different and I fucking knew that Yohan would never hurt me. But nonetheless, I was afraid what would happen if we were to be alone, just the two of us, in bed. I was afraid I would get flashbacks from that day with Jay and I didn't want to freak out while I was with Yohan, especially not in bed, especially not since I've been waiting and craving to touch him for years.