I Let Myself Want You

50 ● Yohan ● 24.06.2023

June 24th, 2023

Yohan, New York

I woke up today with quite a weird mood, knowing that the day was going to be eventful. I was truly happy about the wedding, and I couldn't believe that Jisoo actually managed to set everything up in just three days. I was really excited about it, but then when I thought about the fact that I had a surgery scheduled tonight, I was nervous as hell.

Like I told Malcolm a couple of times, I simply didn't want to do the surgery, because I was afraid that things would go wrong, and that I'd die right away. Not having the surgery meant more time, but then again, I didn't know how much time I actually had.

In the end, having the surgery seemed like the best idea. I already took care of everything, if I would actually die. It seemed like today was truly my last day, a goodbye with everyone. The only thing left to do was to get married, and that's it. After that, I was ready to go. And my life basically depended on Malcolm tonight, so I could say that I was a little optimistic. After all, that's why I chose him. I knew he was great, focused, he never made mistakes. Or well, hardly ever.

Even though I was ecstatic about the wedding, I also felt a little guilty. I knew it was a selfish thing to do, I know I shouldn't have proposed to Jesper if I was seriously dying, but I just- I wanted to do this one thing. For the both of us, in a way.

When I opened my eyes in the morning he was the first thing that I saw, and I realized that this could be the last time I see him like this, that it could be our last morning together, and just the thought of that made me angry as fuck. I didn't want it to be our last day. There was so much more I wanted to do with him, say to him. But I had to acknowledge that today could be the last time I see him, and I had to make the most of the day.

I spent a couple of minutes simply looking at him, trying to memorize every part of him, although I already had it memorized quite well, well enough that I could probably draw him with my eyes closed. And he was beautiful, truly. Even though we were nearing our forties, Jesper still looked great. The stubble may have added him a few years, to make him look his age, but when he was without it sometimes, he still looked like a seventeen year old. His hair may have been a bit different, and maybe that was a good thing, because I remembered how much he hated his sandy hair, and he must have been really glad that it darkened a little.

And then, he opened his eyes. Those beautiful, grey, almost silver eyes, still a little dazed with sleep, shining from tears. Shit. I would definitely miss seeing them. "Hey," I whispered softly when he smiled at me. "You're so cute," I added, reaching with my hand to take his hair away from his face. He's been growing it out a little lately, and I liked it a little longer, when some strands were falling down his forehead.

He snorted quietly and snuggled a little closer to me. "You just told a guy before his forties that he's cute," he said, shaking his head in disbelief. "I'm not cute, I'm old," he added and closed his eyes, hugging me tightly, clinging to my waist.

"You're fucking adorable," I stated and started doing little circles on his back. "So, it seems like we're getting married in a few hours," I said, looking at the clock, seeing that it was nine already. "It seems so," Jesper spoke quietly, not moving from his spot. "Are you sure you want to do this? I mean- You accepted the proposal, but maybe you're-"

"Hey," he said with a concerned voice and got up from his spot. He sat down and looked at me frowning. "I do. Of course I fucking do, Yohan. I wouldn't have accepted it if I didn't want to marry you, okay? I love you to death and I'm not sorry that I fell for you. I want this, Yohan-ah, trust me," he said with a serious voice.

I believed him. Of course I did. But still, I felt this weird thing, that maybe I messed him up, and that he would probably be better off without me. "I am sorry for falling for you," I stated, and he frowned at me even deeper. "Let's be real, Jes, your life would have been so much easier if I wasn't in it. If only I wouldn't let myself want you that first time in high school, then I wouldn't become so curious about you, and I wouldn't act on it. We would have stayed friends. Maybe we would have grown apart, and you wouldn't be hurt right now."

Jesper huffed in annoyance and looked at me like I was crazy. He always got mad when I said things like that, when I speculated, when I said that we would be better off if we were apart. "If you would never let yourself feel things for me, I would have been more hurt, trust me," he spoke, reassuring me. "I'd rather have this, all the hurt, at least something with you, than nothing at all."

To be honest, as selfish as that sounded, I agreed. I'd rather die than say goodbye to him. I wanted him, I wanted to be with him ever since we were teens. I would go out of my fucking mind if I never got the chance to actually be with him. "I love you so much, Jesper," I whispered, looking directly into his eyes. Sometimes I honestly couldn't believe that after all these years, after everything that happened, he still wanted me, and he still loved me. He was truly a man with a big heart, and he loved so passionately and so fiercely, I envied myself that I was the man he was in love with.

"I know," he said, smiling lightly, and taking my hand in his. "That's why we're getting married today, and that's why you'll kick that tumor's ass tonight, and that's why we'll be fine. Because you love me, and I love you, and I refuse to believe that after everything that happened we don't deserve a happy ending."

And shit. We do. We so do.