Twice One Shots

53. Nothing But (Sahyo)

"When were you going to tell me? Or were you just going to let me eventually figure it out?"

Jihyo stood in the entryway, her briefcase and a bag of groceries quickly forgotten on the floor beside her. Eyes full of confusion and hurt staring into Sana's. She could usually tell in a matter of seconds what the other woman was feeling, but as she kept looking, she saw nothing.

The kitchen island separated them as Sana awkwardly stood, arms frozen at her sides. What was she supposed to say?

The air was thick, waiting to be cut with all the angry and spiteful words they would soon throw at each other. It was inevitable.

Jihyo shook her head in disbelief and scoffed as she picked her briefcase and the bag of groceries up, carrying them to the kitchen table. Her mind was bombarded with thought after thought of Sana secretly meeting with one of their closest friends. It made her sick, but she had to put the groceries away.

First the carrots. Then the chicken. Milk. Eggs. Chives. Finally, the juice that Sana couldn't ever start her day without.

When Jihyo closed the fridge, Sana was standing in the same spot. Only her head had turned so she could look out their living room window. It was so bright and warm outside. A complete contrast to the dark cloud threatening to open in their home.

Jihyo left her briefcase on the kitchen table as she pulled one of the chairs out, sitting with her hands folded in front of her. She looked down at her hands briefly before again turning her attention to her wife.

"Sana."

Nothing. Not even a twitch of her finger to signal that she was listening.

"Is this how you're going to spend the rest of the night? If you're just going to stand there and pretend like you can't hear me, then I can-"

Sana turned suddenly, her left hand extended out to stop Jihyo from finishing her sentence. Her jaw clenched as she took a deep breath in, lowering her hand as she balled it up into a fist. "I was going to tell you."

"Oh, really? When exactly were you going to?"

"Eventually."

Jihyo rolled her eyes and let out a pained laugh. "Eventually? Because it sure sounded like you were planning on just letting it happen when I spoke to Jeongyeon." Jihyo paused to bring a hand up, unsuccessfully rubbing the tension from her forehead. "It really sounded like you had a long conversation about this with her."

Sana stared back into Jihyo's eyes, face void of any readable emotion. "When did you talk to her?"

"Oh so I can't talk to our friend but you can talk to her for hours about this?" Jihyo shifted a little in her seat, hands brought back in front of her.

Sana sighed and shook her head, taking a step back so she could lean against the marble countertop of the kitchen island. "You know that's not what I meant, Hyo."

"Don't call me that. You don't get to call me that anymore." Jihyo looked down at her hands. They were shaking so badly.

"Do you think that I really wanted to tell you this? Do you really think that I wanted to make this decision?" Sana looked up towards the ceiling, the overhead lights causing her to close her eyes. She swallowed down her tears, not wanting to break yet. Couldn't let herself.

"Who the fuck said you had to!" Jihyo yelled. It didn't feel good by any means to yell at Sana, but she couldn't take it anymore. It felt like she had been walking on eggshells the entire day. She didn't want to be the soft, understanding person anymore. She wanted to be able to finally let go.

"Where the fuck does it say that you had to do this? Please show me, because it seems like everyone in the entire world knows except for me."

"Jesus, Jihyo, you're acting like only this is affecting you." Sana was trying her hardest to try and stay calm, but it was getting harder by the second. She felt her face getting red from how frustrated she was.

"You're acting like it isn't affecting you at all! You didn't even want to fucking tell me that you wanted a divorce! You wanted me to just walk around until I finally stumbled on it. Oh, what's this? My wife's wedding band on the dresser with a note and all of her fucking things gone? That's a damn shame!"

Silence. The most terrifying word that Jihyo never thought she'd want to hear hung in the air above them like a giant storm cloud. Divorce.

Divorce was something Jihyo thought would never happen to her. Her life with Sana was the epitome of marriages. They loved each other, cared for each other, and they weren't afraid to talk about things whenever something went wrong. Or at least Jihyo though they weren't afraid.

Jihyo looked down, her hands now in her lap. All her anger had faded within those few short seconds as she just stared down. She felt burning tears accumulating and she couldn't help as the first one landed in her hands. Then the second. The third. Soon, it was like a waterfall.

"What did I do so wrong? I have loved you for years, Sana. I have loved you more than anyone could ever know. I would-I would die for you if that was the only option for you to be happy."

Jihyo looked up, tears clouding her vision as she saw the blur of her wife. Jihyo felt so small. She felt so helpless even though Sana usually made her feel like she could take on the world.

"I just don't love you anymore..."

The words Sana spoke were barely above a whisper yet they felt louder than any Jihyo had spoken in the past 20 minutes. They went directly to her heart, weaving into every crack and tearing it apart. Sana was still talking, but Jihyo couldn't hear anything. She refused to hear anything more. She knew her heart couldn't handle it.

"Hyo-"

"I told you not to call me that." Jihyo looked up and Sana was scared. For the first time since they had met, she was scared of the look in Jihyo's eyes. It was so cold and unfeeling despite the tears in them. "Get out."

"But-"

"Sana. Please. Get out."

It took all of five minutes for Sana to silently pack a suitcase, say goodbye to the cat, and shut the door. The whir of the automatic lock behind her almost made Jihyo sick as she sat there at the kitchen table. Her eyes were barely focused on her briefcase in front of her.

In all of 30 minutes everything she had known came crashing down. Her whole world was turned inside out and it was near impossible to put everything back together.

The worst part of it all was that Jihyo still loved her. She could never hate Sana. It was impossible.

I have nothing but this love after all.

This made me so sad but it was stuck in my brain. Inspired by Young K's song 이것밖에는 없다 (nothing but).