How are you my mum?

43. Please just Listen

Olivia's pov-
Its been a few days since the Scotland game, neither me or my mum's have trained or had games
Today, it is my foster mom's birthday. One of the worst days of my life to remember.
I wake up with sweat pouring from me
Lucy wakes up
Lucy-"babygirl are you ok, your dripping with sweat!"
Olivia-"oh uh yeah im fine"
Lucy-"liv" she says sternly
Olivia-"i uh yeah im fine mum, really"
I start hyperventilating
Lucy-"ok liv your not fine, breathe"
Olivia-"i..i..i cant mum, i n..nneed mama"
Luck-"fuck shes at the shop"
I laugh at mum swearing
Lucy-"what is funny"
"You just swore and your always telling me not to" i tell her
"Well uh yeah thats becaus-
I cut her off
"Mu..mu...mum i nneed you help p..please"
"Just breathe in and out babygirl ive got you shshsh"
She starts rocking me back and fourth like mama
Lucy-"ive got you, i promise, no one is going to hurt you"
"H..h..help me mum please"
"Shshsh breathe babygirl, me and mama have got you i promise"
I start calming down with her hugs
"what caused this babygirl" mum asks
"Foster m..m..mom birthday" i reply slowly
"Oh, babygirl you will never have to see her ever again i promise you"
"I cant mum, it wont go away"
"How come babygirl?"
"Oh i uh uh i-"
"Oh no sorry you dont have to tell me"
"I might later mum, if i feel ok to"
"Of course babygirl"
Mama gets back
I quickly jump out of bed and run to her at the door, nearly falling over narla in the process but i manage to jump in her arms
"MAMA!" i scream
"Hey baba you ok?"
Mum looks at me and raises and eyebrow
Olivia-"yeah im fine"
Keira-"you see i would believe you but your mums raised eyebrow is telling me different"
Lucy-"thats because no shes not, she just had a panic attack upstairs"
I hid into mama's shoulder
Keira-"why didnt you tell me liv?"
I dont move my head
Keira-"baba?"
Mum shakes her head at mama to let her know not to push as im already fragile about it
I get down
Olivia-"mum, im just going to shower ok?"
Lucy-"olivia look at me."
I turn
Lucy-"do not do anything please."
Olivia-"ok"
I go to walk off
Lucy-"olivia."
I turn around
Lucy-"please."
I put my thumb up
I quickly go to the bathroom, the need to cut growing
Olivia-"blade blade blade come on"
I found one in the cupboard, they look like nail scissors
Olivia-"yes"
I quickly get in the shower and start cutting
One cut. Two cut. Three cut. Four cut
'Knock knock'
I jump out my skin
Lucy-"olivia please dont tell me youve done what i think you have"
No response.
I get out wrap the towel around me and sit there letting the blood drip knowing mum will make her way in any second
And she does just that
Opens the door quickly because i didnt lock it
Lucy-"oh liv"
She looks at me with saddened eyes
Olivia-"i i im sorry mum"
Lucy-"dont apologise liv, but i need you to talk to us please, so we can help"
Olivia-"you have helped you got me away"
Lucy-"no no not what i meant, i meant so we can help stop this, stop the panic attacks, stop the nightmares, help you babygirl"
Olivia-"i dont know if you can mum, i mean telling you will definitely take a weight off my shoulders b..b..but what if kei or you judge me"
Lucy-"olivia. Come on your talking about me and your mama, your mama wouldnt be here if she was someone to judge"
Olivia-"o..ok, if i do tell you can you just listen, ask questions or say anything at the end"
Lucy-"of course, i will wait for you, im not going to push you"
Olivia-"can i borrow your phone please, i need to message rach or lessi"
Lucy-"yeah course, let me clean you up"
I get bandaged up by mum and go onto rach's message
📳Olivia-hi rach, olivia here sorry to bother you but i just wanted to tell you that i think i might be telling my mum's today, about everything
📳Rach-sosososososososo proud of you olivia, that will be amazing, they wont judge you i promise you, let me know how it goes!
📳Olivia-thanks rach really needed that!
📳Rach-no worries liv, love you lots, good luck, remember deep breaths
📳Olivia-love you more auntie rachy
📳Rach-❤️go smash it kiddo

I lock mums phone and go downstairs, i check the time 11.34am
Thoughts-
Do i tell them now, give them time to leave, kick me out, lock me away, or do i wait later and build up the nerves and have another panic attack, ahhh
Real-
I punch a wall, my knuckles bleed
Olivia-"FUCK!"
Lucy-"liv?"
I look at her, tears blocking the way
She runs up to me
Lucy-"what did you do?"
Olivia-"i..i..im sorry i think i damaged your wallpaper"
Lucy-"oh dont be stupid olivia, i domt care about my bloody wallpaper!"
Olivia-"yeah bu-"
Lucy-"no, lets wash these it will sting"
She washes them i sit on the sofa bouncing my leg and messing about with mums ring
Keira-"baba whats up?"
Olivia-"oh i uh"
I look up at my mum for reassurance
Olivia-"its my foster m..m..moms birthday"
She quickly jumps up from the other sofa and comes over to sit with me and mum
Keira-"oh baba you shouldve said something"
Olivia-"no no please dont cuddle me any of you, i i need to tell you things please sit o..o..on the other"
Keira-"breathe olivia, now"
I take a few deep breaths knowing if i dont do this now, i wont ever
TW- PANIC ATTACK, TALKS OF ABUSE AND SEXUAL ABUSE/RAPE AND SUICIDE
Olivia-"right i uh,ok so obviously i had foster parents and it was ok until i was 5/6 when it started, he started hitting me with my foster mom videoing him, he would smash bottles to hit me with, and i wouldnt be allowed out, i was a game to him and then i..i started secondary school and if i was late home i would try and run up the stairs but just get pulled down sometimes hitting my head on the steps, i would have to use makeup to cover the bruises, the scars on my stomach are from him or... or myself, and then when i started getting older he..he raped me if i tried to say no he he would just hit me and carry on, i was just a toy to him, i feard going home and then i..i was 11 i think when i tried to end my life, there was to much pain i couldnt take it anymore which is why when i first saw lessi i had a panic attack because she was tje only one who knew and uh..uh recently i had an overdose trying to end it again because im just a pain in everyones life with to many problems for youse to be worried about, so yeah thats my story if you dont wanna speak to me anymore dont i wont care everyone leaves"
My voice slowly breaking through that, i end up in tears
I look at my mum's who are holding hands both in tears
Olivia-"i..i.. ill leave"
Lucy-"you sit right back down misses" she tells me wiping her eyes "i just needed a minute to process what i put my daughter through"
Olivia-"no, no no mum you cant blame yourself"
She goes to speak but i just throw myself at her, hoping she will hug back, she does
I sit her and look her in her eyes
"I love you mummy, i am so thankful you didnt give up finding me and go to some other foreign country, you did the best thing you thought that was for me, it may not if been but now look, im back, im better now, all because of you and mama, you fixed me mum, i love you so much" i tell her sincerely
Lucy-"thank you babygirl i definitely need that"
I look over at mama, who is smiling at me and mum
Olivia-"i can go if you dont want me here"
Keira-"dont even think about it, i was just watching the cutest moment ever"
Olivia-"so your both not getting rid of me"
Lucy-"of course were not babygirl"
I snuggle into mum like shes disappearing
Olivia-"thank you for listening and yeah not leaving"
Keira-"we are not going anywhere baba i promise"
Olivia-"thank you"
Keira-"we love you baba"
Olivia-"i love youse to"
I sit in between them, snuggled into them
Olivia-"can i go to sleep?"
Lucy-"of course you can were here"
I fall asleep and here them kissing
Olivia-"im still here you two" i say giggling
Lucy-"oh shush you, close your eyes babygirl weve got you, i love you"
I listen to her and drift off to sleep