girl from the train (gxg)

chapter twenty four

megan's pov:

my mother sits on the same exact position on the couch as she did earlier. the previous glass of wine is still in her hand yet this time it was almost empty and there was a bottle laid sideways on the side table. i had been dreading this conversation all day. i couldn't bear thinking about what kinds of terrible things she had been thinking of to say to me.

"we can talk now." i simply say after closing the front door. she downs the rest of wine and puts the glass on the table next to the empty bottle. i cautiously take a seat on the opposite couch as i did earlier to put some distance between us. it's not like i was afraid she'd physically hurt me, i just think it's better to keep some distance in case i need to escape from this conversation.

the silence was louder than anything. i felt as if i could hear my own thoughts. she sat on the edge of the couch with her elbows on her knees. her head was lowered as if she was mustering the courage to speak.

"i've done everything for you guys." she finally spoke and i scoffed. this is how she wanted to start the conversation? i decided to not speak and let her continue.

"as a mother, you have a vision for your kids and you do whatever you can whenever you can to help your kids be successful." she trailed off thinking of what to say next. "i've always imagined all of you as perfect children. i've managed to find a way to mold you into the kids i wanted you guys to be. what i failed to realize is that i never allowed you to do that for yourself." she sighed.

"when you grow up, your parents teach you from right and wrong. you learn from your mistakes and you continue on. we controlled your lives so heavily that you all hardly made any mistakes. whatever you did was to please me and your father. that must have been exhausting." she states. i was confused on where she was heading with this. it seemed she had what she wanted to say planned. that's how well formed it was.

"i've never attached myself to you guys. i never allowed myself to. i thought it'd be better this way so i wouldn't disappoint you as often. when i was younger i was attached to my own mother and it led to a lot of broken promises. i swore i wouldn't do that to you guys so i focused myself on my work. and that, was a mistake." she said not making eye contact with me. she kept looking at her hands fidgeting with her ring. i see where i got that from at least.

"what's your point mom." i exhaled. she finally looks into my eyes and sighed.

"my point is that i've spent my own life making sure i didn't make any mistakes. i spent my life trying to be perfect and become successful. when i had you guys, i wanted you to have that same energy and drive for perfection. i was too hard on you kids and look where that's brought us to. my own daughter, afraid to tell us how she feels. hiding herself from us in order to protect our image that i worked tirelessly for." she stated continuously looking into my eyes. i saw her eyes gloss over and i felt mine do the same. this was the first time i can actually recall us having a conversation that was not fighting or about my younger brothers.

"this is your life. not mine. i can't decide who you love or what to do with your future. i could only hope and have dreams but i couldn't possibly force that on you. and that's something i never understood until you stood up to me. i controlled your life like a puppet and in order to make me happy, you played along." she let a tear fall. "i can see she makes you happy. i've noticed your attitude change this past month. i had suspicions that you were seeing someone. of course i didn't expect it would be another woman but everything aside, i'm happy for you. i want to just preface that this is new to me. growing up going to church told me that this was wrong. but you're my daughter. i couldn't possible ignore you because of who you love. i'm not like your father. it may take some time for me to get used to, but i'm willing to try." she said sobbing with her head in her hands.