𝓛𝓮𝓸𝓷 𝓚𝓮𝓷𝓷𝓮𝓭𝔂| 𝗜𝗺𝗮𝗴𝗶𝗻𝗲𝘀 𝗕𝗼𝗼𝗸 𝟯

Striving To Survive and Save| Request

AN: This imagine features self harm and suicidal thoughts. Please take caution when reading, your mental health matters♡
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My mind feels as heavy, as though I'm carrying the weight of all of those I've let down. Too many souls. Too much death.

Leon sighs as he passes me my key card for my hotel room, then we go our separate ways silently, both of us unable to speak after the gruelling mission we've just come back from. It was practically carnage, a complete failure where too many innocent people lost their lives, because we were delayed. We weren't strong enough. I wasn't good enough. 

As soon as I enter the hotel room, which isn't anything special since we're only staying for one night, I toss my bag onto the bed and head for the bathroom, already kneeling by the toilet as I finally let the sickness out. It's a wonder I've kept it all in between the journey from the city to here. My body sweats as I shiver, then I flush the toilet and rinse my mouth out, the taste of bitter disappointment and failure chalk on my tongue. I can't bear to look at my reflection, but I can guess it doesn't look good. I'm bruised, battered and slowly giving up.

Every mission chips away at my soul, and I think I've finally lost it, traded it for a ghost of who I used to be instead. I switch on the shower and peel out of my crusted clothes, leaving them in a pile ready to throw out. I've lost numerous outfits since starting this job, I'm unable to put them on again, choosing to throw away the remnants of each tragedy. It used to be therapeutic, helping me to move on and forget, but then the memories began to ingrain themselves onto my skin instead, and I can't shed that.

The water of the shower scalds my skin as I step in, then stand under the spray, staring at the white tiles, my mind completely empty, apart from the constant feeling of guilt and depression, but that's practically normal at this point. I don't know why I'm even letting myself suffer like this, I've thought about taking the easy way out, but that seems too simple. I deserve to suffer. I should feel like this, because that's what I get for not being good enough. Those families who've lost people have to deal with it, so I'm forcing myself to as well.

I have recently found a way to cope though, skimming the line between life and death with my own control. It's like I can reassure myself that I'm still here, but can die when I choose to. I pry the razor from my soap where I keep it hidden, the blade still as sharp as the day I first used it, then meticulously I begin to slice my skin, watching the blood bubble to the surface and drip down the drain, the water rinsing away my sorrows. A little anyway.

I cut and cut, more than usual until it bleeds too much. I curses, then step out of the shower, wrapping my arm in a bandage as best I can, then I quickly throw on some clothes. The door to my hotel knocks, but I ignore it as I tighten the bandage, a slither of worry lacing through me at the way my arm throbs unlike usual.

The door knocks again, then with an annoyed huff I open it to reveal Leon there, a haunted look in his eyes that mirrors my own. Yet he still left his room, has still gotten dressed and looks like he's dealing better than I am. "Can I come in?"

I shake my head, but he comes in anway, slipping past me as I sigh and close the door behind him. He looks around the room, as if searching for something, then he turns to me. "I know that mission was...rough. I wanted to see how you were holding up?"

I swallow, putting on that nonchalant facade which is slowly losing its touch. I shrug, crossing my arms. "It is what it is."

Leon's eyes narrow, "Sit down." He softly says, but it's worded more like an order. I huff, feeling angry and upset and done.

"I just want to be alone Leon." I snap, gritting my teeth to keep the tears at bay. I haven't cried for a while, it never makes me feel better, and only makes me look weaker than I am. Or maybe I'm worried that if I cry it means I care. I don't want to care.

But I do.

Too much.

Leon's about to argue with me, his eyes dropping to the floor, but then he stiffens, eyes zeroing in on my arm. I glance down, seeing where the bandages are visible where my sleeve has rolled up. I swear under my breath, but Leon's already coming over to me, grabbing my arm as I wince. He rolls my sleeve up, bringing my arm up to his face.

"You didn't get this injury from our mission." He points out, face falling. "What is this Y/N?" He whispers, eyes meeting mine. Somehow I just know that he knows, he understands the pain and maybe has even experienced this himself.

"You know." I weakly whisper, voice cracking.

Leon gulps, lip wobbing, but he sucks on it and takes a steadying breath. "I understand what it's like to hurt yourself to make things easier, but it never works. It doesn't help anyone. Hurting yourself won't bring everyone back, and it won't save any lives." He sounds strict, a mix of desperation and anger. I'm being scolded, and for some reason that breaks my entire mindset.

I let the salty tears fall down my cheeks, then Leon's face softens. He leans down, pressing his forehead to mine, it doesn't feel romantic, but as if there's a deep sense of care and protection there. "I need you with me, I can't do this job on my own anymore. You're my partner okay?"

I glance away, but Leon raises a hand and cups my cheek, swiping away the tears that keep falling. "Promise me you'll tell me if something like this happens again. We'll work it out together, or spar instead of hurting ourselves." He mumbles. A juttery sigh escapes me as I nod, for the first time ever I feel understood and not so alone.

Leon's lips lift into a watery smile. His arms wrap around me as I slump against him. "If you can't live for yourself, live for me." He whispers, kissing the top of my head in a sign of being with me. This doesn't feel like declaration of love, but a vow of support. I cling to him, now knowing I can lean on someone, and that maybe I might not be as strong as him, I'm trying my damn hardest, and that I'm still here, which means I can keep striving to surive and save.