FEAR

44

•VERENA•

               
I let myself think that sex was all I needed from them, besides protection. I was okay to be painted as the bad guy if I didn't have to care about anyone but myself. After Mateo, I was pretty sure death was really my best friend. It was just so much easier to keep them away than to let myself care because I knew. I always knew they were going to leave. Men like them were hard to dote on and hard to love. That's why I never expected it, never expected them to stay with me and encourage my delusion that I wasn't alone. That they'll be with me until the end. They'll break my heart or whatever I had left of it by dying at the line of duty, or by working until they die, losing to depression. Come home with PTSD. Then what, I'm left to grieve again and I don't think I have the space in me to continue. There was so much, too much part of it was because they were older and I didn't let myself get comfortable enough to listen to anything I couldn't understand. I didn't want to share the burden because I didn't think I could survive another heartbreak but here I was, crying again just because they were leaving.

I was so conflicted. I didn't want them to leave but I didn't want them to stay and care for me. I don't want to care for them but I do. Oh god. It just circles in my head that either way they could die and It'll be my fault.

They were leaving. I was always expecting it but it rang in my head over and over again. They were leaving. I can't even tell myself I'm ready, wasn't even preparing because I didn't think I would care so much. They were leaving.  It felt like I just got stabbed in the heart and the knife was slowly twisting, stinging. I was covered in bruises yet nothing felt as significant as this. They were leaving me.

I shut down the laptop placing it where I found it before going into the bar downstairs, grabbing the biggest bottle of tequila. If there was anything in this world that wouldn't leave it's this. I could always rely on alcohol. So unhealthy and toxic but who's going to stop me?

I opened it and took a quick chug. It burned and settled uncomfortably warm in the pit of my stomach. I didn't eat much today so if I have the urge to throw up nothing but water will come out. Welp. To unhealthy choices.

After thirty minutes I got to 1/4 of the bottle before laying down on the pool table. I think this one was the one I had at my house, my main house before I laid a bomb down for the Mexican special forces and Rowan. Sebastian was playing on it when he told me they'd like me. I thought it was ridiculous and I wished it wasn't true.

Ugh, I'm such a fuck up. How did I get myself into this situation? Fucking vagina. Fucking Simon! He was the one who killed Fransisco, lunatic. Then everything changed. I've never felt anything like what they did in that dingy closet. I thought about it for days and couldn't stop thinking about everything.

•KÖNIG•

                "Verena isn't in her room." Was the first thing Keegan said to me, there was no panic in his voice but his hard stare said enough. He barged into my room scanned then turned around. I was only wearing shorts when I followed him downstairs. He must have checked all of upstairs because all the bedroom doors were left open. I followed him down the stairs then we split up. I checked the kitchen. It was still dark outside she wouldn't have gone out without the dogs this early. Where are the dogs? Anxiety crept over me.

I walked out to the dining room, Esperanza smiled and then pointed to the sunroom. She was setting the food down. I walked into the sunroom to see the dogs surrounding the pool table. They got up to greet me, I walked past them to Verena. She was deep in sleep, holding a bottle of tequila. She would've looked peaceful if it wasn't for the bottle in her hand. I pushed her hair off her face. Why are you drinking again? I frowned.

"Verena," I said, her eyes opened panic and fear flashed across her face. She rosed the bottle swinging it toward my head. I caught it taking it out of her grasp. Her eyes brows furrowed.

"König." She breathed. She smelled of straight tequila. I suppressed a groan. She couldn't help it calling me König. Every time she does it reminds me of my father. It was . . . unbecoming. I didn't hate the man but I didn't want to hear my family name.

I wanted to talk to her like I'd always done and help her sort out whatever was bothering her but I had a feeling this time it had nothing to do with Mateo. Besides I was probably the last person she would want to open up to. I have been distant and it was unbearable. All I wanted to do was be around her, but being around her was also painful, just knowing the fact that she didn't want me for anything other than sex. Never bother me before and if she was any other woman I wouldn't have given a single fuck.

I leaned down catching her lips with mine. She responded lifting her cold hand to my cheek. She tasted like coconut and tequila, her lips were addicting. I pulled away but she pulled me down biting my lower lip and deepening the kiss. I moaned intertwining my hand into her curls. How can she push me away when it feels like this? "I'm sorry." She whispered. She was still drunk. I could see it in her eyes and hear it in her words. The way she was looking at me was enough to make my heart stutter like I meant something. She breathes heavily. "I didn't mean it. I don't like the thought of you with Denise but I-"

"Stop." I didn't want to hear it when she was drunk. I shouldn't have kissed her, I'll just ruin myself. She sat up and turned around to face me.

"I mean it. I'm not drunk."

"The alcohol says otherwise." I pointed at the bottle.

"I stopped drinking hours ago. I'm just hungover and tired." She grabbed my wrist I let her pull me closer intertwining our finger she brought up to her face. I placed my forehead against her. Stop playing with me. I'm stupid and I'll just keep falling for it. I kissed her cheek and hugged her while internally praying.

"You mean so much to me," I said. She stayed quiet moving her head. Her chin rested on my abs staring at me like she was admiring me. I looked away trying to relax my muscles. She'll just raise my hopes. "Come on Ghost should be back with Tina." Her face fell, and I such in a breathe.

I helped her sober up gave her some water, and helped her pick an outfit so when Ghost walked into the front door with Tina, Verena was sober enough to deal with her.

Like a switch, she was back into being the drug lord.

She stared down at Tina. "You looked like shit." She said. Ghost must have dragged through the mug. Her hair was tangled and untamed, from what we can see she was covered in scratches and bruises. She glared at Verena. She just smiles. "Are they ready?" She said turning to Keegan.

"Extremely."

Ghost grabbed Tina and pushed her into the field at the back of the house. She looks around confused and frantic. Ghost cut off her restrain. She got up slowly. Her expression is confused and a realization washed over her she was gonna run. She stopped when she noticed the women come out from the empty stables and surround us. "No." She cried, realization hitting her. She looked back at Verena who gave her nothing. "Please no." She grabbed onto her pants.

Ghost pushed her off. Throwing her back to the floor. She brought up her hands and rubbed them together like she was praying. "Please don't let them do this."

One of the women grabbed her hair. "Have fun ladies."
They were going to beat her.

•_•