Youforia [N.H]

73

⚠️Warning: suicide, self harm. Also talk of assault, domestic abuse, neglect, suicide and self harm.

Aycie Locke

September 16th, California.

Emotional pain always end up as physical pain for me. Whether it's in my control or out of my control.

I'm trying hard to not care, I'm trying so so hard, but the longer this day goes on the more hope I'm losing that I can drown the pain out with music.

I've been awake since two am yesterday and I don't know how long it's been anymore because I've turned my phone off, I've gotten rid of the clocks in the room because I don't want to be tricked into feeling tired by seeing the time, I just want to drown everything out with loud music.

How do you get over your mother hanging herself in the one room you spent your whole childhood in, how do you get over the fact that she did it for you.

I don't know what to think and it's messing me up.

I'm trying to depict my thoughts, I'm trying to sort through the different emotions so I can figure out a solution to this, so I can find a way out of my own personal hell but everything has blurred into one big mess of tension in my body.

It hurts most in my head, like my brain has grown three sizes to big for my head, it feels like it's pushing against my eyes, like it's breaking my skull and causing this pain I can't describe but painkillers don't get rid of it.

The skin on my face burns from all the tears that have dampened it, the skin feeling like it's formed a rash from where my clammy hands have rubbed over my cheeks and eyes thousands of times.

It hurts so much to cry, it feels like boiling hot lava is seeping into my flesh and it's unbearable.

Apart from the main source of pain in my head, my body just feels heavy, my heart feels like it's cracking more and more every time it expands with a beat, my lungs are on over time, it's like they are asking my mind why I'm still alive after my body's in so much pain, why are they still expanding when I don't even want them too.

But my minds a mess and it can't answer them, it just keeps going on and on.

I'm sure I've been in a state of shock all day because how I felt a few hours ago when everyone was here feels like child's play compared to the sheer mental and physical torture I'm going through now.

I just can't stop thinking but I don't know what the specifics are, I just know what happened, and it's like my thoughts on the subject have been to painful to handle so my body is protecting me with physical pain to distract myself, so I can't feel the dread of the hark thoughts that would put me in a state of defeat.

In a way the pain feels like it's keeping me alive but fuck. It hurts so much.

The song was released hours ago I think, but I just don't care.

I tried using it as a distraction but it's so small in the grand scheme of things that I'm not even thinking about it.

Maybe my subconscious did it because it thinks that it will be a good thing waiting for me after I try to get through this.

Chance and his three friends have gone and I hate to say it but I am relieved because I was starting to get more upset with more people around that I didn't really know that well, even though they were all great people and I'd definitely want to talk to to them again on a better day.

"The rest of them know not to feel obliged to stay, I'm letting them n know that this won't be fun, that I'm going to be making a lot of noise and that they won't be able to sleep but they've all stayed.