2024: diary of a girl in her 20s

05.25 Hate

today is lin's birthday and even tho i'm not in sun valley to celebrate, it still feels like a big deal.

tony spent a month organising the date, collecting money for a couple of gifts, like a digital camera, a purse and some other stuff. michelle also worked on some photo book to give her with pictures of her with everybody.

sonny told me that their uncle (tony and sonny's) is taking them + lin out for lunch today, and later on the friengroup will join and they will give her all the gifts. if it weren't exam season, probably a big party would be thrown at night.

this all makes me feel sad, jealous and angry at the same time. sad and jealous because nobody has ever thrown a surprise party for me, or given me many gifts for my birthday. my dad gives me a book usually and that is it. i have plenty of friends but i think no one has ever loved me like that, they just have a much colder relstionship with me. i guess it is because its hard for me to show my emotions, and it makes me sad and jealous to see lin acting like besties with everybody, and i can't even give sonny a hug because i would feel weird.

a small part is also angry because lin has spent the last month stressing out almost every day that it will be her birthday, so she has purposely made a big thing out of it. she loves being the centre of attention all the time and that is a little annoying to me. but then it is sad again that people do not care about that, they accept lin as the centre of attention and give her that attention and that love, warmly and happily.

so yeah i wish i wasn't so cold with people but at the same time i don't think i am cold at all. indeed i don't like being superficially passionate with everyone, i like showing that love to only a few people, the people i truly feel comfortable around.

but generally yeah even if they are super close friends of mine, i don't receive love in such grand gesture kind of way. not from nate, not from saint, nor from sonny or julie or igor or maeve or my parents. even my ex cloyd forgot about my 20th birthday.

this is also why being around people makes me sad usually, it just reminds me how i will never be like them because i am mentally unable to let go of my psychological constraints. i can't accept love, i don't give out love, therefore i don't receive it. indeed i shouldn't received it, because i haven't earned it. i often feel lonely.

i haven't been romantically involved with anyone either in the past year, nor i have had anything serious or fulfilling in 4 years. people always get tired of me. i have rejected some people, sure, maybe 3 in all this time. i hate the way i am, it draws people away, that is why nobody loves me or tries to approach me. i am just uninteresting and unhappy, and people know that and that is why they hate me.

i have just blocked sonny on whatsapp, and i deactivated insta. i can't let him or anybody see me. because they will hate me.

good bye.