2024: diary of a girl in her 20s

06.27 Moving out

It was a long, tiring and sad day. I moved out of my apartment, so packing up and dropping off all of my stuff in Alys and Maeve's apartment was very tiring, I did a hell of a lot of walking and carrying on my own.

I also cleaned and went to the office to return my keys at 19.

On Alys' doorstep I found a necklace piece of a crab, and I instantly thought of Sonny, because he likes cartoons and goofy animals. So i picked it up and decided to make a necklace, because I owe him a necklace (I once broke one of his' accidentally so I had promised him I would eventually give him one as a gift, and I thought this was the right occasion).

So anyway I needed a chain for the crab so I went to a jeweller and I got him a silver one which cost me 22€.

Here is where things go wrong. I really wanted to give it to him, I thought he would love it, and I knew everybody was hanging out tonight at a club so I decided to show up as a surprise. I only texted Tony, his brother, letting him know I was going.

The thing is, I was depressed from the beginning. I didn't want to party, I was super exhausted, and I have been feeling very out of place in the friend group because of insecurities of mine lately, this is a conversation i've had plenty of times with Sonny, and he always encourages me to just join sometime and see how my mood went.

So I did, but I had the gut feeling I didn't want to be there. I showed up, everyone was like heey what are you doing here blablabla, a little later I touched Sonny on the shoulder said i have a gift for you and so i gave him the gift.

Sonny is a very expressionless guy, I know this since I first him. And i shouldn't have expected him to react with the same joy and illusion with which I was giving him his necklace. Because he took it in, tried it on and barely said thank you. i know this isn't because he doesn't appreciate the gesture, it's that he's too shy to react emotionally, and i guess i just needed that emotional response back today and i didn't get it, so i got even sadder and i felt like he didn't like the crab. he also felt overwhelmed that i spent 22€ on it and i was distressed asking him whether he liked it or not, i said i thought he didn't like it so he said that tomorrow if he didn't like it he could give it back and i could have it for myself, and that in particular annoyed me a lot, because this was a gift i thought of and spent time on, and it was thought for him, not for me.

so we went into the club, i had a lot lot lot of anxiety. 10 minutes later i had more anxiety so i approached sonny i said bye i am going home and he said bye and i left without a handshake or anything.

i walked home feeling stupid for 40 minutes. why had i spent so much money and time in something that was maybe too much and that wasn't even that nice it is just a crab? etc etc etc

back home i sent sonny a long text where i said i shouldn't have gone to the party knowing that i was very depressed and that the party was only probably going to make me more depressed. i then apologised for the gift, i thought maybe he didn't like it and also he found it too much.

he actually replied back some minutes after and he said thank you for stopping by today even if it was just for very little time, and then he said thank you many times about the gift and then he said that he was very excited about it but that he didn't know how to express it, like i suspected all along. he said he should have told me he did like it even if it was hard for him to show illusion, and that he felt bad that in a way his reaction had given way to me being even sadder tonight.

then the conversation went pretty smoothly, i said it was also m bad that had gone there knowing it was hard for him to express his emotions expecting him to express his emotions, hoping that that would cheer me up.

the conversation kept going and it was a very healthy and straightforward conversation.

it's 2:30am, i am going to go to sleep because i am so tired. i'm also remembering when i arrived in the party mark and diane said i looked very good, and lin and diane also said i smelled very good. i guess those are good things to say, thank you, they cheered me up a little.