catgirl ! crushed (nightwing)

«chapter forty-seven: she's back»

BROOKLYN'S POV

"And do you feel bad about anything that you had to do?" Black Canary asks me, her eyes searching mine.

This is my last therapy session, and this is the question she has been building up to. That, and if Dick almost killing me negatively affected my view of him. She hasn't asked that but I know it's coming.

I breathe out, listening to the waterfall in the background, feeling the cushions of the green chair under me. I've talked a lot about what happened. Canary knows everything I've been through. She knows where my mind would go to. She knows I would try to blame myself.

My eyes meet hers as I say, "No."

Her eyebrows rise a hair, but there is a smile on her lips because she knows this is progress. "No?" She questions, gently pushing me to continue.

"No," I repeat, fighting the overwhelming need to fidget with my hands as I state, "Because what I did kept me, kept Nightwing, alive." Saying those words leaves me feeling lighter, because I finally believe them. "In a way, I'm... not glad it happened, but glad that I was able to see that. I've been running from who I am, what I thought Ra's al Ghul made me..." I trail off before sighing, "But what he taught me is what kept me alive. I can't ignore that anymore. And truly... I would go through what I went through with him a thousand times over if it meant Nightwing and I would make it out of that place every time."

She leans closer, a small smile on her face as she says, "That's a very good thing. Brooklyn, you aren't a weapon or a monster. Just like Conner, Artemis, and countless other heroes that started in a bad situation, you have the ability to change the narrative."

"I know," I admit, "I've known that this whole time. I just..." I look down at my lap, folding my hands over each other before I say, "I was trained specifically to take out the people I now call my family," My eyes find her's again, "I saw myself kill Dick. I saw myself go into the default setting that Ra's al Ghul wanted, and watched as I ran my sword through his chest."

She knows all of this. She was one of the two people that did know at the time. M'gann was the only other one and it was because I couldn't stop slipping back into survival mode every time something reminded me of it. She had to block it from my memory. Overtime it had come back. I always knew I could get to it if I needed, M'gann made sure of that because she didn't want to permanently affect anyone's minds again.

"I just... I always felt like I could slip up... that maybe if I relaxed a little too much... let myself feel a little too safe..." I turn my head to the side, willing the tears threatening to spill to dry up. "But now I know; I am more than capable of controlling it all. I always have been. Just because they tried to make me a monster doesn't mean I have the mind of one. And the pain they made me endure only taught me how to survive, Taught me how to be better," I sniff, wiping a few away tears that ended up falling, "And I trust myself now. Something I didn't before."

I'm grateful for how I grew up. Sure, if I wasn't involved in this life at all, maybe I wouldn't have to worry. But I was involved. And while I went through things no one should go through, let alone a teenager... I wouldn't be able to survive in this life without it. I would have died a long time ago. But I didn't. And I won't.

"I'm so glad to hear that," She says, smiling fully before it softens. She leans back relaxing a little and adds, "I know you have been through a lot, and I am so proud of you for continuing to work through them the way you have. We are almost done with this and then you will be cleared to rejoin the team if you wish."