Seeing You - Boys of Tommen

The Viper

January 13th, 2006

Lizzie:

 I tried to tell myself it wasn't me who had climbed into Hugh Bigg's bed that night, that something had come over me, something awful and gross and destitute. If I was lucky, that alter ego could explain all of my actions since the day Caoimhe jumped in that lake. 

But unfortunately I was a realist and every depraved, sick and twisted action I committed had been all me. More proof of the void that existed within me that swallowed me whole and didn't let me breathe. This void that had taken root within me caused me to push and push and push. I pushed anyone who offered me solace, anyone who allowed me to breathe, who showed me light within my dark and endless abyss. The more I pushed the more hollow I became, I was surprised people didn't point and stare at the gaping hole I carried around. It started where my heart should be and since reached all parts of my body, taken over my brain and mouth, forcing me to think only about what I lacked, what had been stolen from me, ripped away from me with my claw marks embedded in her skin and for words of hate to spew from my lips at anyone willing to spend time in my tainted presence. 

I would also like to blame the void for the actions I took tonight. The void had expanded to my scarred legs and brought me to the common room where the people I once considered my closest friends sat.

It was late evening after a rugby match and the group had decided to spend some of the evening together. I had begrudgingly attended the rugby match at Shannon's request and as she was one of my only friends I had left, I felt obliged. 

I figured it was only a matter of time before Shannon grew tired of my behavior, of having to constantly defend me to the others, to have to disagree with the love of her life and her happy smiling friends who tensed when a storm cloud incarnated followed her, or the viper as they so lovingly nicknamed me. 

It had become a game to me, seeing how long my friends would last dealing with my bullshit, until the pity, concern, and understanding no longer outweighed the pain that was being acquainted with me, until the exhaustion made them go weary, until the void that I was made up of finally devoured them. 

I refused to keep my head down as I sat beside Shannon, they're stares and judgements were like fuel to me adding to the void and my depressing existence.

Katie eyed me warily, I knew it was irrational to hate her, considering I had broken up with Hugh but something about her made me despise the girl. I think it was what she represented, and that of course is everything that I am not and can never be. She was shy and quiet, she hung onto every word Hugh said and only had eyes for him. She was small, ladylike, sweet, and demure. I got a sick sense of satisfaction when I caused her pain, similar to when I let the blade linger on my skin. When Hugh would defend or look at me, rare as it was I could tell it bothered her. 

I knew she had her issues, I knew she was insecure about her looks and her body for no reason as she was one of the most beautiful girls I had ever seen. Her striking red fair, light freckles, huge eyes, and petite frame she was perfect. 

I hated that about her, that she created these insecurities when she could just be happy, she had an amazing boyfriend and hadn't been through tragedy like me or Shannon and Joey. She struggled because of a stupid, pointless number on a scale. It almost made me laugh, how I wished my biggest issues were how I looked compared to others. When I looked at her, I hated her. I lashed out at her constantly.

I recognized the beach trip jibe I had made towards her was too far but I revelled in the scathing looks I was given by everyone like my outside finally matched my insides. 

I levelled my gaze at Katie, unwavering as I waited for her to break, Hughie noticed this impromptu staring contest and smoothly distracted Katie talking about the stupid rugby match.