Seeing You - Boys of Tommen

Jealousy, Jealousy

September 19th, 2003

Lizzie:

Fuck, I was jealous.

I broke up with him, but seeing them together, did something to me.

I've been doing better, I haven't cut in months. But anytime spent in her presence makes me want to peel my skin off.

I wish she was horrible, a Bella Wilkinson type so I could be justified in my dislike for her. But no, she was perfect, a real 'speak when spoken to' type of girl and it made me want to throttle her. 

In that restaurant, I wanted nothing more than to unleash a full fledged attack on the small redhead nestled into Hugh. But, I restrained myself and instead attacked Gibsie.

I had a lot of hate built up for Gibsie and his horrible family, so it wasn't hard. He was hard to reach, to actually get to him. The only foolproof way was to insult his intelligence, it not only garnered a reaction from him, but everyone around him. I could tell it personally offended Johnny Kavanagh, and I didn't even have a reason to cause him harm. But it felt good none the less, no it didn't feel good, but it felt real and that's all I had to live for these days. 

"Why did you do that?" Claire asked, we were standing outside of Biddie's now, waiting for her Mam to pick us up, after she dragged me from their table. I was glad to leave.

"What?"

"Say those things about Gerard?"

"He's fine, he's not made of glass." Like Hugh's precious Katie.

"Why do you do it? I know that you're hurting and I feel for you, I really do." Claire said in a rare show of contempt for me. "But, you need to stop saying things like that."

"I don't mean to." I say not wanting to show vulnerability, but knowing she needed to remember that I was still human. 

I felt like a robot sometimes, knowing what people needed from me, what I had to say to get them to accept my answers and think that I'm actually fine. Claire was easy to convince, Hugh was impossible.

"I know, but you know how I feel about him, and you know Hugh still cares so much about you." She says, "So try to be nice to Katie, if you got to know her, you'd like her."

"Don't go too far" I say earning a laugh from her. "I'll try with Gibsie, and I'll try to... ignore Katie."

"Ignore?"

"Trust me, it's better if I just ignore her."

"Okay."

I look back through the glass, to get one last glance at Hugh, and my vision is assaulted by him and Katie kissing, and she's practically sitting on his lap. 

The worst part though, isn't him shoving his tongue down her throat, it's when they pull apart and I have to witness them laugh together. 

Hugh looks happy.

When I imagine him, after everything I put him through, I see a broken boy. Not this, smiling and laughing person. A person I haven't known in years. A person I lost the privilege of knowing.

I think it took up until now, to realize I had truly lost him. He was hers and not mine, and it fucking hurt.

Thanks for reading!  - H <3