Seeing You - Boys of Tommen

Waves

TW: Depictions of Self Harm and Suicide Ideation and Depictions of Sexual Acts. 

November 1st, 2005

Lizzie:

Seeing Mark Allen, set something off in me. 

It was like all the rage and tragedy came to a boiling point and I was feeling all of the clogged up feelings I hadn't been able to feel since Caoimhe's death. 

When I had to see Mark hurting Hugh, I wanted to kill him. I could see myself draining the life from the man in front of me. No, not a man, a monster.

Worse when he landed on me, when he touched me, I couldn't help but scream. His touch felt like poison, it was scorching yet freezing. He had left me third degree burns and frost bite all at once with a single touch.

Whenever, I had episodes like this, usually set off by Gibsie, I could get a handle on myself after a while. I could reign myself in, and recognize the damage I was causing. But I was on a high, and I don't think I can come down. 

I feel like I'm drowning, treading water, trying to desperately get out of the water, make it to land. But waves keep coming, blow after blow, and I can feel myself surrendering to it. 

I examine, the large gash I've made in the space between my wrist and my elbow. I can never get myself to carve deep enough to be fatal, but this still fucking hurts. But I still don't really feel it. Not like I used to.

I've grown immune, and I need harsher wounds. 

That's why I've found myself at the Bigg's house. Hugh will be sleeping in his bed and I need to see him.

He's the only person that makes me feel at all, and I need him. In this moment I don't care that I'm the last person he wants to see right now, I don't care that he's sleeping, and I certainly don't care about that red haired girl attached to his hip at school.

I let myself in with the key Claire let me borrow, and I take the familiar steps to Hugh's room. 

I enter his bedroom, taking in the contents, passing by his dresser and turning a framed photo of him and Katie to face down. 

We can't have his little princess witnessing this.

Hugh stirs and stares at me in shock, "Liz, what the hell are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you." I reply, moving closer.

"Jesus, are you bleeding? Liz wha-" I cut him off by sliding my body on top of his, straddling his hips. "What are you doing Liz? Get off of me."

"I just need you." I say, my mind feels foggy and I want nothing more than to let the current drag me in, to pull me to the bottom.

Hugh grabs my wrists, stopping them from moving to his hair. "We can't. You have to go."

I can't even hear his protests, I block them out as I lean down to kiss him. He stays still a few seconds before returning it, and the feeling is like no other.

Pierce and Patrick were distractions, a sad attempt to feel something. But this, this is real. This makes the pain halt, the waves are no longer crashing around me, they've moved to a soft ripple.

My tears continue to fall down my face and onto his, but he grabs my head by my hair in a seductive way, pulling me closer to him.

I grab the hem of my shirt and take it off, baring myself to him, "Liz, no we can't."

His mouth was saying one thing but his hands moved up and down my waist in a way that I could tell he was hungry for me. 

I shrugged out of my shorts and underwear and started to pull his boxers down. Hugh's no longer objecting and kissing me everywhere.

"Liz, I haven't...." He says looking at me, and I nod in understanding.

I feel a sick sense of satisfaction, that I'll be his first. That I'll have this over Katie. She'll never have him like I've had him. I have his first kiss, first date, first everything.

When he's finally inside of me, it makes everything in my mind go silent, the rushing waves, the constant words of disgust and anger. 

We're just together, we're connected in every way. 

"Liz, I...." Hugh says, his breaths growing more and more ragged, and I just lean down to kiss him again. 

When we're finished, I don't wait around for him to start voicing all his regrets. I start getting dressed. 

Hugh seems to be thinking clearly now, and looks distraught. "You're leaving?"

"Sorry, did you want to make me breakfast in the morning?" I reply, my voice dripping in sarcasm. 

"Liz, you just...." He's breathing heavily, the weight of our actions dawning on him, "You've ruined everything."

"It takes two."

"Yeah well then, we've ruined everything." He says, his face now in his hands. "I'm with Katie, fuck the how am I going to tell her. This will destroy her." A tear slips out of his eye, "I'm a fucking horrible boyfriend. I'm a horrible person period."

"Don't say that, Hugh." I say moving closer, but he recoils from and it fucking hurts. "You're like the best person I know, it's me, I'm the shitty person."

"It takes two, right?" He says laying his back down on his bad. "How will I tell her?"

"Katie? Why do you need to?" I ask, slipping my shoes on.

"What? I can't lie to her."

"Why?"

"The guilt is going to fucking eat me alive." How could I love a boy with such good morals? How could he have loved me at one point?

"Just forget this night happened, then." I say, feeling annoyed, we just had sex for the first time and all he can think of is Katie, and he was mine first. 

"Unlikely, very fucking unlikely Liz." He looks down at my arm, that's still dripping blood, it's probably on his sheets now too. "Jeez, Liz. Do you need bandages or something?"

"All good, just go back to sleep. I got what I needed." I say, I regretted as soon as I said it, I knew it would hurt him, but I also needed to remind him, that I was a horrible person and no part of me was redeemable.

"Just leave Liz, Please."

I left without responding, and walked away. I didn't walk home though, I walked to the bridge. 

The bridge where Caoimhe took her life. The bridge I stopped Joey Lynch from taking his own life. The bridge that fucking haunted me. 

I wanted to burn it, to tear it from my memory, but I couldn't. I returned to it constantly, toying with the thought of how easy it would be to teeter over the edge. To just let go. 

But like every other night I find myself here, I don't. I can't do it. 

Thanks for reading!  - H <3