And the thing is I don't even hate the way I look, even without makeup, in fact I kinda like how I look most of the time and to be honest it isn't actually that important to me but when you hate yourself on the inside or just feel really shitty about yourself you just start to hate everything about yourself like your face and your body even though those have nothing to do with the way you are on the inside or who you are fundamentally as a person. I listened to a podcast recently that said something like "how dare you hate yourself, why do you think it's okay to hate yourself but it's not okay to hate other people, and how dare you hate your body when all it's ever done is its job which is to take care of you." And all of that struck a chord with me because I really am trying to love myself more and not be so hard on myself even though that's really not easy especially when there are things that aren't always in my control. Like sometimes you have to stop shoving your feelings down and down and down because eventually they're going to burst out and you'll be forced to face them and you're not going to like it when that happens. I've had people tell me I'm lucky that I'm so comfortable in my sexuality but sexuality is a lot more complicated than knowing if you like girls or boys. It encompasses a lot of things. And one day you can be so sure of something and the next day you're not so sure at all. And you can't admit even to yourself because it kind of scares the hell out of you. And you feel really bad and hate yourself for feeling this way because like, ew and something must be wrong with you except it's not. Like okay I know I wouldn't just want to have sex with anyone or like a random person I just met even if I was attracted to them. I do think that the concept of virginity is stupid and sexist and I'm not talking about what happened with that boy when I was 15 because I think I get a free pass for being stupid and mentally ill and drunk and 15. But in general, I think that for me at least it's something really special and I feel like even if ten years in the future and I was with someone totally different I still wouldn't want to do it with someone who wasn't Eleanor. Maybe that's being close-minded. But I mean it. I can't picture it. And then there's the fact that sometimes I think I don't even know what that word means. Like I do but I don't if that makes sense? At what point does it become sex or is it more of an up-to-interpretation thing? I guess it's silly to admit that as someone who thinks about it, well, a lot. Way more than I want to admit. But then am I thinking about the actual action of the thing or the feeling I associate with it? I think I'm mostly just thinking about Eleanor and the fact that she drives me absolutely crazy. Especially when she makes that face. You know the one where one side of her mouth goes up a little more than the other and you can practically see hearts in her eyes and all I can think about it how bad I want to kiss her. See what I mean. It's confusing. Because a few years ago me would never be saying any of this. And why do I feel so much pressure to have it all figured out? Like who cares who I do or don't kiss or have sex with etc. It's literally no one else's business. I mean obviously it's Eleanor's business because she's my girlfriend but like in general you know what I mean. So yeah. That's all I guess.
