Something that people who don't have food issues won't ever understand is how easily triggered it is. Like you're just fine and all of a sudden you're not anymore. I used to hate going to dinner with Eleanor because she had issues too—I know she got bullied at dance—and would always order something small and barely touch it and I felt so much shame for wanting to get better when she was still skinnier than me even at my lowest weight and that just encouraged me to keep going. I've been getting unwanted comments about my body since I was eleven years old. And yeah, a lot of the time it didn't affect me as much. I could ignore it. But even then I still had issues. I still hated myself every single day. And somehow it feels so humiliating to talk about when you're not even underweight, when you don't look sick enough for people to worry. And that's the worst part. There was only one thing that truly made it better and when that didn't work anymore one day I just couldn't take it anymore and I started throwing up. And I started thinking who cares, I can do whatever I want as long as I throw it up afterward and no one even need to know. Except then they did. And a tiny part of me still resented Eleanor. Which is unfair because it isn't her fault. She never shamed me for eating even when she wasn't. She never made me feel bad (on purpose anyway.) But I think I needed that break to be away from her and figure things out. I don't know where all this is coming from.
