That doesn't even have to be like sex and I'm not sure what it is you don't like because you don't even seem to know yourself but would it be too much to kiss me and tell me I'm beautiful sometimes without feeling like I have to beg or put in tons of effort or like I'm needy or I'm a horrible person for wanting that? Sometimes it feels like you're messing with me on purpose but I know it isn't your fault. None of this is your fault which is why I feel so bad. I feel like such an asshole for bringing it up or even for thinking it. Why do I always feel like I'm the one who cares more, in every situation with every single person. I keep screwing everything up. Do you have any idea how many times I've prayed for these feelings to just go away? I feel so...dirty. Like for other people sure but me, I am Not Allowed. A secret I never told anyone but my therapist is that my eating issues and stuff were a lot better for a while until Eleanor didn't want to do stuff with me anymore and I didn't know what to do with these feelings, mixed with always just feeling ignored by them so I started binge eating and I was so so so embarrassed about it especially because at the time Eleanor was getting all these comments about how she was fat but she was and always has been skinnier than me so I was terrified of what people might think. So I started throwing up to make up for it and the best part was, the feelings almost went away, not completely but mostly. I still felt alone but I was way too embarrassed by all of it to say anything. I had to control everything, every single one of my feelings by numbing them and if a single feeling escaped then they all would escape and then I'm not sure what but something bad would definitely happen and then I'd have ruined everything.
