I guess if I really did have to come up with something I like about myself it would be how deeply I feel empathy for other people
I mean I don't think other people would literally want to cry thinking about how much they love someone who's not their partner
But I think that's the thing above all that reminds me I'm human
When I know someone is hurting I wish I could truly truly understand every single thing they ever felt or went through, the good and the bad, and then apologize a hundred times for not being there for them every single second they were hurting, and then gather up all their pain and make it go away. And sometimes it really hurts to have to remind myself that's just not possible. It's not possible to take away someone's pain no matter how much you love them.
Another thing I like is how passionate I get about things I like, which can be annoying to other people but I think it's a big part of what makes me, me. I like how when I set my mind to do something or decide I want to learn how to do something, I do it, even though it never comes easy.
It's really hard and really draining, with BPD, to have these constant mood shifts. One minute you feel really good, but the next you just want it all to stop. And sometimes you feel both at the same time. Is high-functioning depression a thing? Because that's how I feel. Like these medications make it so I can function normally on the outside but on the inside I'm still not okay. Sometimes you love someone so much it hurts but quickly split and start thinking they're the worst person in the world, which leads to needing constant reassurance that everything is okay between you. You learn that you can never trust most of your feelings, which, to be honest, is really scary. You either feel so so much all at once or you totally shut down. I just want to be happy, the real genuine kind not the euphoric kind that even as you're feeling it you know is fake and won't be there for long.
