I've spent the better part of the last 6 hours staring at the ceiling with my headphones on muttering "fuck you" under my breath but I think I have to write this down eventually. I told Will I don't think I can do this anymore and he said I need to talk to Eleanor again so I did and it went exactly how I imagined, probably worse actually. It felt like they were just invalidating my feelings by saying they were doing their best and then they said maybe we should take a break. And she still thinks this is just about sex. Why don't they fucking listen to me. Why are you acting like I did something wrong when I tried to have an honest conversation with you and you basically shut me down and told me I was making it all up. What do you want me to do, keep on lying to you, pretending I'm happy and that everything is fine when it's not? Or oh wait, that's exactly what you did. For someone who says honesty is important you sure have lied to me a lot. I cut myself twice today just little ones, not a big deal. It didn't help, probably because it's not me I hate. I don't hate that many people but right now I hate you. I hate you for not listening or paying attention, for not seeing the signs, for invalidating my feelings, for refusing to understand. I'm tired of fighting with you, of begging you to pay attention to me, of wishing you were better. I'm so tired.
