I went 8 whole months and then did it twice in just a few days. Sometimes I think that I just go from one coping mechanism to another searching for something that will numb the pain and some of them are better than others but still they're all just that: distractions from reality. Really, why is this one any worse than others? It's not my favorite but I think I prefer it to the eating problems and stuff because that's super embarrassing. I probably need to be honest with Eleanor but the thought of doing that makes my skin crawl. It's not like she'll notice. Speaking of which I really don't understand why she would go that far when she didn't want it, I mean she was the one who initiated, like, a lot of the time. Right? I know I'm not making that up. Something had to have happened, right? I'm still so confused. I'm sorry I'm still thinking about this but it's hard not to. Some days I think I'm fine with it but then some days I want you so bad I feel physically sick. And it makes me hate myself. A lot. And I can't talk to anyone about it except maybe my therapist but that's also embarrassing. But it's been this long and I've been fine. So. It's not a problem. Really. And like what even counts as sex? I know I tried asking and you said yourself you don't know. But you don't seem to even want to kiss me. It feels like we're getting more and more distant and I don't know what to do. When I try to be close you ask me why I'm acting off. You're the one who's off, not me. You say it isn't my fault but like I've said that's so hard to believe. I don't even need any of that but do you have any idea what I would give to hear you call me beautiful again.
