It's almost January. This last year has been so many things. There are definitely things I would've done differently. This year had a lot of hard days for all of us. But for the first time in years I think I can genuinely say that I'm happy. Not the kind that lasts for a couple of days and then leaves. The kind that stays with you. Two years ago I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without wanting to break it. One year ago I would spend hours at a time in front a mirror picking myself apart. Somehow, now I can see myself and not hate the person looking back at me. Somehow I find the courage to smile at strangers, even to greet people which feels so much more like me than the girl who used to snap at people for no reason and make everyone scared to approach her. I used to be so angry and sad all the time. And then when it all became too much I shut down, went days at a time not speaking to anyone but just going through the motions. I'll never forget the words "I don't know what to do with you anymore" which I heard a few times. That girl didn't know what she needed. She needed love, she needed to feel validated, she needed to feel needed but more importantly to feel wanted, she needed someone who could help her unpack and sort out all these feelings. She believed that she was destined to be alone forever, not just in the romantic sense but that no one would really notice or mind if she just disappeared one day.
I no longer pray that I won't wake up the next day. I feel more like me every day.
I'm grateful for my dad who always put me first, who always cared and listened and was there for me even when I gave him a hard time, even when he just had no clue what to do. No one prepares you to be a single dad at 22 with no job and no money. Certainly no one prepares you for what to do when your daughter just doesn't want to be alive anymore. And yet you did everything you could and I'll forever be grateful for that.
I'm grateful for Apollo, even if I don't act like it. Recently it was revealed to me that he was the reason my dad came home early from work that day. If he hadn't, I'm not sure I would've been able to tell anyone. Forget telling anyone, what would have happened if he hadn't shown up when he did? Would I even be alive? On another note, if not for that how long would it take for him to have the courage to leave, to walk out, and to eventually meet the man he would marry? Even if you didn't always make your presence known, I choose to believe that you have been looking out for me. Maybe not in the way I've expected but at the very least you gave me my siblings and for that reason I will always be grateful that you're a whore.
I'm grateful for Eleanor. This path has never been easy but it's so so worth it. Thank you for giving me hope, for teaching me that I am lovable even when I feel like the worst person ever. Thank you for being so understanding, so patient even when I am unreasonable, for loving me not despite but regardless. Thank you for loving me through both my good and bad times. Thank you for reassuring me over and over again. I love you so much and I am so excited to spend forever with you.
I'm grateful for anyone who's ever said a single kind word, whether it's offering a listening ear or just a smile or compliment on a bad day. Those things can mean a lot to someone during a hard time.
I'm grateful for my therapists for pushing me, for making me talk about the hard and scary things and helping me to learn so much about myself.
I'm grateful for my siblings and my honorary siblings (that means you, Annabeth) for guiding me, for letting me ask the embarrassing questions without judgement, and even though most of you are gone in hopefully a better place, I'll never forget how much you've done for me and for others, or how much love and passion you've put into everything you do.
Most of all I'm so grateful for Will. I know I give you a hard time sometimes, I can be rude and bossy and reckless and over dramatic but you've done so much for me that I can't ever thank you enough for. After Austin died everything changed and I have always struggled with change. Searching for a sense of control in my life, I started self-harming. I think that sometimes I did it just for the validation I got. Because whenever I did it, I knew that people worried and it felt good to know that people were worried about me. You didn't judge me or make me feel bad for it, you just listened, every single time. And it turned out, you'd been doing it too and I was the first person you told. You taught me to drive and even bought me my car which I always keep in perfect condition. You paid for me to go to the psychiatric ward which I couldn't have afforded otherwise and helped me find a therapist and you were willing to drive me every time. You enrolled me in online school when I dreaded going, you let me stay at your house for days or weeks at a time, and you were always willing to help anyway you could even though you were dealing with so much shit yourself. And you didn't even try to make me feel bad for it. You were there to talk and to listen whenever I needed, and you still are. Sometimes it was just the littlest things like a random "I love you" or "did you eat" or "just checking in" that really weren't little at all, and half the time I didn't respond but I promise your efforts didn't go unnoticed. You did all that and yet I was still so mean to you sometimes and for the life of me I can't figure out why. So these are all the things I should have said to you. I'm so sorry for putting you through that, for making you feel unappreciated, for pushing you away, for not realizing how much you were hurting too, probably even more than I was but you didn't complain for a single minute. Thank you for everything. You stuck by me even through all of my worst times, cheered me on, loved me when I didn't know how to love myself and I will never know how to thank you for that. I've really tried to be all that for you this year with the divorce and everything and I'm sure I've been far from perfect but I'll keep trying to be the person I should have realized you needed back then. I love you so much and there is absolutely nothing you could ever do or say that could change that.
Lastly I'm grateful for me. Loving myself is Not Easy but it's something I'm working on and I feel like I'm getting better every year. I'm learning to be kind to myself even when I feel like I don't deserve that. I'm learning to be patient with myself when I feel like I come up short. I'm not perfect at all, and guess what? That's okay. I'm still learning.
And guess what? It's also okay if I'm never ever perfect. Because no one is.
I'm Michaela Leann Knowles, I'm seventeen, and I am okay. More than okay. I think that maybe, my life just needed to completely fall apart so that it could become something better.
