How am I supposed to be a normal person when neurotypical people have a million billion unspoken rules and all of them contradict each other. You have to be careful never to say or do or think the wrong thing because then everyone knows you're different. You have to be bold and confident but if you are then they call you rude and bossy. You have to be pretty but if you put effort into your appearance you're self-absorbed. You have to be smart and good at things but don't even think about telling people about your accomplishments because then you're attention-seeking. And you have to talk exactly the right amount; too much makes you annoying but not enough also makes you annoying. Being clingy is bad, but when you aren't clingy they ask why you're being so distant and you must not care about them. You always feel lost. You have to know how to read and react to every situation at all times, to say the right thing and do the right thing and think the right thing and wear the right thing but you absolutely cannot just ask what the right thing is because then you're a weirdo, and then no matter what you do it's always fucking wrong. But no one tells you it's wrong until after you've already done it and you constantly feel like you're working twice as hard as everyone else just to still be so far behind. It's fucking exhausting and no one ever thanks you for trying so damn hard all the time. They just get mad at you for not being good enough. But no one ever ever tells you what exactly you need to do to become good enough. Oh, and if you try to explain your neurodivergence it's "I don't want your excuses." I don't even know what an excuse is then. I thought this feeling would go away when I got older but it's just gotten worse, with more rules and expectations no one bothers to tell you about. I'm so tired.
