If I hurt myself will you realize I'm not ok
If I cut all the way down to my bones will you start to listen to what I've been trying to say
And if you finally realized I'm not ok and haven't been in a long time then will you love me again
"I'm sorry I disappointed you" what a fucking thing to say
You know what I'm sorry for? The countless hours I wasted painting my face, picking myself apart, asking what I could possibly change, what I could possibly do to make you love me. You said you loved me. How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is fading, falling apart? How can you say you love someone then be so cold? How can you say you love someone but not know about the nights they've laid there wide awake, or the nights they've spent crying on the bathroom floor begging to know where they went wrong, begging to know how to fix this. Begging to feel loved and to have that without having to say anything, without having to put in so much effort all the time. It's not fair. I always thought once someone was in a relationship they couldn't possibly be unhappy but now I know that's not true. I got what I wanted but it's not what I imagined. Sometimes I'm so happy and it's amazing but a lot of the time I'm not. And I'm so tired of having to ask for the proof that you love me, I shouldn't have to ask and I don't want to because if I ask then I'll know it's probably not real. Forget wanting, I need you, so bad it's this constant never-ceasing ache in my chest and it's slowly suffocating me. You say you would be devastated if I left. But I don't see the proof anywhere. So why am I still holding on?
