And you're trying to get me to talk but it feels like I'm underwater and the only words I hear are you are such a burden and you need to get your shit together and stop causing so many problems and I don't know how to make it more abundantly clear that I'm trying, but that's not enough, it's never ever enough. And I'm so angry that you're so angry but I'm doing a good job of keeping it in. And then you're leaving and all I can think about is how I'll have to explain this to Eleanor but I can't. Because I've tried. It feels like I've been trying for years. For my whole life. I keep hoping that this time, this time things will be different but it's not. I need to face it, I'm unlovable because I'm just too fucked up. I could change every part of me, pour out my whole heart but it's not enough. And then Eleanor's calling and she doesn't know what she did. She doesn't know what she did. But it's not what you did, is it? It's what you didn't do. Why can't you just tell me the things I need to hear, do something, I feel like my heart is slowly breaking into a million tiny little pieces.
