I've been staring at this blank page for like 10 minutes trying to decide where to start so I'm just going to start. Last night Will overdosed and Eleanor called 911 while I did CPR. I was freaking out but the second I started, suddenly my head was clear and focused which is what we call doctor mode. They wouldn't let me go in the ambulance so Eleanor drove and the whole way there I kept whispering as if Dad could hear me but he probably couldn't and even if he could be probable didn't care. I spent the night and most of the day today at the hospital with him. He couldn't really talk but he squeezed my hand and eventually he could type on his phone to communicate. I still hate hospitals. I really want to be an EMT for a few reasons. I've always wanted to do something that helps a lot of people. This way I can be a doctor but don't spend much time in the actual hospital and because that way you don't get attached to patients. It's kind of horrible but that's the reality. Anyway, right now Connor is staying with Will. When he got here Will looked so happy his face literally lit up (not an exaggeration) and later after we'd left he said Connor is his boyfriend now and I said I'm happy for him. I think that was true. I don't trust Connor but maybe if I got to know him I might maybe. Then when we got home Annabeth asked me and Eleanor to be her baby's god parents and somehow I feel like I knew she was going to ask that but the idea of being a parent now or anytime in the next 5 years or so is terrifying. So after talking with Eleanor we ended up saying no. Then me and Eleanor took a bath which was nice. Even if I felt a little awkward. I just don't know how to do this, it's like she's a different person every time and I have to be so careful. In books and movies the character always says exactly the right thing and it's never awkward but I feel like I always do or say the wrong thing and make it weird. I'm so scared to do or say anything that could possibly make her uncomfortable but how am I supposed to know when it's always changing? And sure, you'll tell me if it's not okay but then it's too late and I made it weird. Will says I should just talk to you but he's perfect, he doesn't understand living in constant fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and upsetting someone. Or maybe he does but not like this. I just want to feel like I'm allowed to want you and that it's not a bad or shameful thing. Because people keep telling me it's not but thanks to you my brain constantly tells me it is. You make me feel like there is something wrong with me when I'm the normal one. And I don't dare say anything for so many reasons: I don't want you to feel obligated to do anything, I don't want to come off as clingy. You used to act so confident but I guess that was all fake. That's what I don't get and that's what hurts the most. You somehow faked all of it. Why? Why would you do that? And you're the best actress, and now that I know what it's like to feel so safe and so loved by you I can't pretend I want to settle for anything less. But it's fine. It hurts so bad but I promise I won't say a word.
