Summer

Lemonade

Everything happens for a reason. You hear that everywhere, getting hearts broken, people dying, are all for some reason unknown to us. And we have no choice but to follow those rules because those are the guidelines of life. So when someone tries to destroy all that you are, it's for a reason. At least that's what I tell myself. Especially now, as I find myself sitting in this office again.

Young was watching me those sharp eyes. Like always we were supposed to be at a standstill with me sitting there, refusing to talk. Her sitting across from me, talking about what I did was so brave. That I was strong for everything I went through. Something I didn't feel. All I felt was angry, this dark feeling I had for days was following me around like a curse. It wouldn't go away and left me in a fog of my own making.

Only this time was different because I was talking to her. But I wasn't talking about what she wanted me to talk about. Instead I was talking about the days ahead, the plans I was making with the people in my life. I could tell she was surprised, but confused at the same time. I didn't ever talk about myself, but now I couldn't stop talking about things we were gonna do. About the things I had planned for the next year. 

Everytime she tried to steer the conversation over, I'd bring it right back to what movies I wanted to watch. What restuarants I was planning on going to. How I decorated my room the way I wanted for a change. Anything but what I didn't want to talk about. I refused to reflect on what I saw everytime I closed my eyes. The shadows hiding in the corner of my room whenever I was alone. Her voice whispering in my ear, telling me I wasn't enough.

"So you see, I am moving on with my life." I said. "I don't want to live in the past anymore."

Young closed her eyes and took a deep breath, before opening them to look at me with a small smile. "Yes I can see that Summer but..." She tried to say something else, but I was already on it with something else.

I was shutting her out. I knew it and she knew it. It was so I didn't have to open up and tell her I was barely functioning alone these days. So I didn't slip up and tell her about the one thing I wanted to keep hidden. But pretending that everything was fine was also a task by itself. Trying to keep up appearances was something I was used to, but I never had to pretend to be happier than I was. But if it kept Young away, then I'd do it all day long.

"I'm ready to be person they want now, happy and carefree. And I think staying in these dark thoughts is what's bringing me down." I spoke over her, which she didn't look too happy about. But I was done.

"That's not...Summer you can't just bury it." Young tried to persuade me. "You should be who you want, not who anyone wants you to be." Her eyes pleaded with me but I was over her and this office. Trying to open up her was too much. I needed to be on my own for a while. I knew she wouldn't agree, but I was ready to work through things on my own.

"I am. And who I want to be is what they want." I narrowed my eyes. "Look I appreciate everything you've tried to do for me. But my grades are up, and I'm doing better than I was. So I think that I'm done with these sessions." I stood up, pulling my things together to leave. "So just go back to your fucking daughter or whatever it is you do. Just stay out of my life."

I knew when I walked in her office today, that it would probably be my last. I had been planning this since that night coming back home. Sitting in the dark, telling myself I had survived so I must be strong enough to do it alone. I couldn't come here and keep myself in the past. I was fine. And even if I wasn't, I'd figure it out without her. I had do it on my own. I couldn't keep relying on others when all they did in the end was disappoint me. 

So why as I turned to leave, did my eyes mist with tears?

I couldn't understand the hesitation. The heavy feeling in my chest, like I was somehow giving up on myself. I wasn't. I was just trying to move on with my life, and that didn't include sitting in her office spilling my guts out. I knew she just wanted to help me, that I was someone she wanted to save. But I didn't want or need to be saved. I was going to do just fine on my own. I just had to make myself believe it.